Circles

I hate my Second-Human side.

It's that half of me that gets all territorial.  And not even over Tristan.  Just over my space, in this current situation.  My space, my time, my life.  And it's so freaking selfish.

How do I prove I'm really trying to be a good, sweet, kind person when my immediate physical response to everything, from people over late at night to just the thought of being ignored and overlooked, is hostility and irritation?

Take the recent days for example.  I'd asked Tristan for weeks if he wanted to try out the jackpot lottery, to which he continuously said no.  Okay, no big deal.  Last night he came home from drinking out with Alex and she reminded him to check his numbers, after which he explained he bought two lottery tickets.  Shouldn't have been a big deal, but my stomach flipped, the acid filled and I wanted to cry.  And my blood sugar was dangerously low, which makes me vicious.  I freaked.  I was so hurt that the first time he ever bought a big-time lotto ticket was with someone else after weeks of saying no whenever I offered.  He didn't get why I was so upset.  I felt better after eating some rice and watching a movie with him.

Tonight I came home after a rather stressful day at work and saw Alex's car in the driveway.  I was immediately irked because I had talked with Tristan three times about having friends over late at night when he doesn't technically live here (he's staying here, so in a sense living here, but the fine line is the legalities, which can and will be brought up should the landlord get the impression Tristan is a bit more permanent than we let on).  That, and I just wanted to eat supper, watch a movie with him and go to bed.  I just wasn't in the mood for guests, and when he and Alex are around I feel very outnumbered and cornered, or flat-out ignored.

Idk.  I was rude.  I brought up the whole pet-peeve in front of Alex and later on felt way bad, but Tristan was pissed and when he announced his plans for the week, which ended up with him ditching me and my family Tuesday, I just didn't know what to do.  I was hurt, really just hurt, and I emailed Alex an apology for my behavior.  Tristan didn't care, according to him I've never liked her and never will.  He doesn't like to think that I'm human, I make mistakes, and that I genuinely do want to be her friend.  I just have boundaries that are unfamiliar to her and flat-out ignored by him.

My Goran side reasons out everything logically, and draws me a picture of my behavior in relation to others.  Have you ever seen The Mask of Zorro?  There's a scene in which Diego De La Vega teaches Alejandro Murrieta the concept of the circles:  with each new circle your world contracts until your enemies are close enough for retribution.  Although I'm not seeking retribution nor am I fencing to free California, the circles are like my boundaries.  Those inside the innermost circle are very few and consist of my parents, my siblings and Tristan.  Outer circles, that of friends and other family, are still close but at a safe distance.  When anyone from the outer circles start to move in on the innermost one, I get defensive.  Sure, I would love to have people like Alex in my "special circle", but it takes time and patience.  Lots of time and patience.  Took Jake three years to get there and only one month to get shoved back out.

Tristan doesn't want to believe that I consider Alex a friend.  I do, she's just not inside that special circle yet and sometimes it feels like an invasion rather than a friendly move.  The danger, referring back to Zorro, is that the closer people get to that circle, the higher your chance of injury and/or death.

Okay, so Tristan gets out of hand now and then.  But so do I.  And that aside, we have that inner inner circle that exists only because we have no one else to share it with and certainly no permission to start sharing at will.  Forcing me to tell Alex who and what we are was a trick and a coup de tat of that inner inner circle, in which we ended up making an even smaller circle.  Again, any attempts to enter without an invitation make me feel very hostile.  Not that Alex has tried, which she hasn't.  One of the reasons why I like her:  she understands and respects the fact that we have some things we just can't share.  For her sake as well as ours.

My home is a circle.  The people in it are either invited or tolerated.  Yeah, having drunk people over for drinking parties are annoying as heck but out of my control, and after the fiasco in which my favorite roommate (aside from Tristan)'s car got vandalized, they've not occurred since.  And friends still come over, but they've recently been less frequent and more secluded into the respective rooms.  I'm totally okay with Alex being over, just....I'm just less okay with it when I'm not there.  Not to "supervise" her and Tristan, ugh no, but because anything that happens regarding either of them falls on me.  My roommates have graciously let Tristan stay with us, but once they found out about his mental condition, half of them became less friendly and I'm just trying to get through this last month-and-a-half without incident.

I've talked with Tristan repeatedly about this.  He ignored me.  And that's what sets me off the most.  When he ignores me I turn to Alex and make the same plea, hoping that she in her maturity and as my friend would respect my feelings and help me out, but very very rarely does that happen.  Tonight.....I was just fed up with it all after idk how many nice requests.  Still no excuse for how I acted.

Tristan says I make a big deal out of such small things.  I probably do.  All I want is patience, understanding and respect.  Mainly the respect.  Not adoration respect, but a "hey yeah I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable I won't do it again" sort of respect.  Treat others how you want to be treated.

I guess I've been epically failing at that.

Observations On the Various Degrees of Humans

Goran:  A Goran will typically mate for the sake of procreation to preserve political, social, and other forms of positions within the civilization.  Being a very logical race, the act of procreation has purpose, timing, and efficiency throughout the process.  (This is based on information gathered from few known full-blooded Gorans)

Second-Human:  A human of Earth is at the very core of his/her being, a primitive creature. Mating is affected by body chemicals, seasons, population factors, diet, stress, emotional baggage and a slew of other factors.  The act of procreation is usually unplanned, but not unwelcome.  Many times, breeding occurs after the couple has been exposed, albeit unknowingly, to even the simplest of factors such as pheromones in a doctor's office.

Half-Breed:  A human half-breed (half Goran, half Second-Human) is both logical and primitive.  He/She is entirely capable of knowing, and is typically aware, of what is affecting the procreational drive; however this knowledge does not guarantee a sound decision-making process.  Breeding is much more controlled but still subject to impulse.  Will consider in vitro fertilization but can still crave physical human contact.

WARNING: Do not provoke a half-breed in matters of mating.  Results can and will be disastrous.