It is becoming increasingly apparent I need to find my mate. This deep hunger, this ache, this intolerable need for something I can't even begin to describe.... I don't know how much longer I can stand it. This, or the fear and terrible sadness that I will never find my mate, or no man will ever want me that way. Not to mention the nagging question of why it hasn't already happened.
I'm a freak, and I know it. Tristan says maybe a normal guy is what I need, someone who doesn't have any clue as to our actual existence or abilities, someone who I can just be myself with. To that I highly disagree, because how in the world would I explain the flickering lights when I'm upset, or how some things might just....move....on their own...when I'm not paying attention? Or how I can listen in on mental processes, or have dreams about things yet to come?
Oh, and let's not forget the genetics. My children will be just as special. And soon I'd have to explain why they hardly ever get sick, or how when they do it lasts for maybe 24 hours. How the healing process is much quicker than normal, and oh wow let's not even begin to describe the hormonal changes that are magnified versions of your average teenager! The nightmares they will have won't always be just nightmares, and I do worry that like me and my sister, they will see the things that go bump in the night and I know I will not be able to lie to them. But, then again, that is why we have God, and not just God, but Christ. My mother taught me those skills, and I will teach them to my sons and daughters as well.
Like I told Tristan, I don't know if I have the heart in me to put so much onto the shoulders of an innocent, unwitting man. My perfect mate would be one who is masculine, dominant, knows what he wants and gets it through hard work, and yet melts at my touch and cherishes his family just a few notches below his love for God. Oh, and he would be just like me, powerful but practically unknowing of its genetic origins. He would protect me and our children with every breath he has, yet recognize and respect that I can kick ass just as good as any man.
Tristan, Alex and I went and saw Paranormal Activity 3 tonight. I called it on what was causing the whole thing 10 minutes before it was actually revealed. Tristan high-fived me for being right, and Alex seemed a little curious. I just explained the truth: I was trained to deal with this sort of thing. When some older lady has exotic beads hanging from her neck, looks like she once protested at Berkeley and dresses her granddaughter up in a bridal outfit from the Victorian ages....not to mention has freaky-ass furnishings and decorations from sooooooooooo many pagan tribes..... it just all screamed "WITCH!!!!!" And I know that the film was made to freak people out, and I did spend most of it plugging my ears and half-covering my eyes expecting the worst, the most gruesome....but when stuff did happen, I couldn't help but think, oh, that's it? THAT'S what scares people? Welcome to a day in my life, folks. This is textbook crap.
When an invisible demon growls, I growl right back and slam it into the next dimension. When things go bump and clang in the kitchen, I tell it off and it stops. When I do feel afraid because I am alone, I turn on worship music and sing to God in the face of whatever it is trying to instill terror in me. This was what I was raised, was trained to do. Sunday School taught me Bible basics; my mother taught me how to use it all in spiritual warfare. I learned the signs of the occult, how to feel for malice, how to sense the poison in the air, how to see the unseen. I learned how to stand firm in the face of terrible evil and use my identity as a daughter of God as a weapon.
Some poor schmuck from a shared college class is NOT going to be prepared for that kind of life. And I think, sometimes, my agony in losing Jake was due to the fact that he knew what I knew, he stood beside me and fought with me against an entire legion of demons. He was grounded firm in his identity even though he assumed someone else's. Not once did he ever question my visions or my dreams; he always encouraged them. Jake helped me translate my spiritual skills into physical combat skills. Sometimes I even dare to think he might have known what I was long before I even heard of Tristan's people.
Is there a man out there who can meet the challenge? Anyone who has the passion, the hunger, the courage and the faith? It seems like I'm asking for so much, but all I'm asking for is my husband.
Whoever he is.
10.25.2011
10.21.2011
Hunger Games
My mother never taught me about our abilities. In retrospect I completely understand why; it was hard enough for her to understand what she was or why she was without adding the idea of passing it on to her children. After trying to reconcile her abilities with the occult (as a teen) and learning the absolute danger in that, she turned to the Church for answers. They told her it was all demonic, evil, and must be avoided. And in normal circumstances, that is 100% accurate.
But we were born like this. God made us this way. Now that we are all coming to this understanding, Mom has promised to help me through the changes and shifts in my development as I grow older. A part of me wryly thinks this would have been great during the terrible bloodlust as a preteen, or the onslaught of visions during high school, or especially when I was bedridden for two weeks in college over a non-existent virus the medical staff couldn't explain. But again, I remember that all that happened before any of us had a clue as to how not-quite-human we are, and I am deeply grateful for her help now.
I turned to Alex for help as a woman, as a virgin like me, as just someone I could confide in. We were out for drinks at the restaurant Tristan works at (yes, he was in the kitchen that night grumbling at our late-coming and being the last two holding everyone there while we munched on appetizers). Being a certain part of the lunar cycle, I felt the hunger gnawing inside me for something very, very different from food. And while people have encouraged me to just feed it already, I know that I can't.
So I told Alex why. "I haven't told Tristan, and he can't know this, okay?" I know that in one way or another, I stressed to her the importance of him not knowing the widely circulating rumor about the truth of my virginity. I even described why I didn't want him or any man to know.
The very next day, sitting in a fancy restaurant with Tristan....
'So, Alex told me you have a theory about your virginity."
Out of all the emotions I could have, and should have felt at that moment, all that appeared was a very deep disappointment in someone I regarded as a friend. Then betrayal, followed by a determination that I won't fall into the trap that is trusting her. Of course she would tell him. Alex and every other female human would tell him the secrets to nuclear war codes just to be in the same room as him. I don't say this out of spite, just as a simple fact. No matter how much she or anyone protests to the contrary, they're all enamored with the prince and will fight to the death for his favor. (I know I'm going to get backlash for this, so I challenge everyone who wants to protest to provide evidence of this not being true. Good luck.)
The reason why I didn't want Tristan to know was reiterated to me by the gleam in his eye as we discussed it over appetizers. I know him to be a good, honorable man even despite past behavior and so I'm not worried about him raping me by any means, but.... He's still human in so many ways. Within him, however deeply buried, lies a hunger for power. It's the same with Luke, only Luke is much more demanding and selfish in that department. Who knows if Jake ever heard about my "condition".
The hunger that burns within me grows more intense with every monthly cycle and at this point the only thing preventing me from just sating it is my relationship with God. Even amid the terrible cravings I manage to cry out to Him, to beg for help to get through. If I lose my virginity to a Second Human, the gift of my power is lost forever. If I lose my virginity to one of my own kind, or Tristan's kind (yes, by the way, through extensive research we've determined we are separate but equally superhuman races), whoever takes it will receive the gift, the surge of power, the thing we have yet to find a name for. Even I don't know exactly what it is, only that it's extremely powerful and bottled up inside me just waiting to be released.
According to Luke, they've been discussing it long before I knew about it. Mom confirmed my suspicions when I asked her about her own experience with my father; she told me it was a main reason why she prayed I would wait until marriage, so then the right man would be by my side to help me with the aftermath. It doesn't just affect him, it will make me even stronger in my own abilities. I need my true mate in order to successfully endure the changes.
All this I confided with Alex in the hopes that, being my friend, she would just be an understanding ear and maybe have some good advice. But what does she do? She freaking tells Tristan. And when I tried to lightly let her know I was ticked over the betrayal, she acted like she didn't give a flying f*** about how I feel. Honestly, I shouldn't be so surprised. After listening to her stories of her escapades with other women's boyfriends, best friends, or basically guys she should have just left alone, I should have taken the hint that she really doesn't care about anyone but herself. Because if she did care, she would never have done any of this. Again, I challenge anyone to give me proof of otherwise and NOT with Tristan.
It's all enough to make me want to break down into a nervous wreck. But I can't, and I won't. I'm staving off the deep, burning hunger for carnal pleasure just like I'm staving off the hunger for food (within reason, I mean come on, I still need to live). The last thing I want is a roll in the sheets with some guy who just wants my power and/or babies. The man who gets the gift will be the one who not only loves me but proves that he does.
But I do need to sleep. That, my dear readers, is not something anyone should avoid.
But we were born like this. God made us this way. Now that we are all coming to this understanding, Mom has promised to help me through the changes and shifts in my development as I grow older. A part of me wryly thinks this would have been great during the terrible bloodlust as a preteen, or the onslaught of visions during high school, or especially when I was bedridden for two weeks in college over a non-existent virus the medical staff couldn't explain. But again, I remember that all that happened before any of us had a clue as to how not-quite-human we are, and I am deeply grateful for her help now.
I turned to Alex for help as a woman, as a virgin like me, as just someone I could confide in. We were out for drinks at the restaurant Tristan works at (yes, he was in the kitchen that night grumbling at our late-coming and being the last two holding everyone there while we munched on appetizers). Being a certain part of the lunar cycle, I felt the hunger gnawing inside me for something very, very different from food. And while people have encouraged me to just feed it already, I know that I can't.
So I told Alex why. "I haven't told Tristan, and he can't know this, okay?" I know that in one way or another, I stressed to her the importance of him not knowing the widely circulating rumor about the truth of my virginity. I even described why I didn't want him or any man to know.
The very next day, sitting in a fancy restaurant with Tristan....
'So, Alex told me you have a theory about your virginity."
Out of all the emotions I could have, and should have felt at that moment, all that appeared was a very deep disappointment in someone I regarded as a friend. Then betrayal, followed by a determination that I won't fall into the trap that is trusting her. Of course she would tell him. Alex and every other female human would tell him the secrets to nuclear war codes just to be in the same room as him. I don't say this out of spite, just as a simple fact. No matter how much she or anyone protests to the contrary, they're all enamored with the prince and will fight to the death for his favor. (I know I'm going to get backlash for this, so I challenge everyone who wants to protest to provide evidence of this not being true. Good luck.)
The reason why I didn't want Tristan to know was reiterated to me by the gleam in his eye as we discussed it over appetizers. I know him to be a good, honorable man even despite past behavior and so I'm not worried about him raping me by any means, but.... He's still human in so many ways. Within him, however deeply buried, lies a hunger for power. It's the same with Luke, only Luke is much more demanding and selfish in that department. Who knows if Jake ever heard about my "condition".
The hunger that burns within me grows more intense with every monthly cycle and at this point the only thing preventing me from just sating it is my relationship with God. Even amid the terrible cravings I manage to cry out to Him, to beg for help to get through. If I lose my virginity to a Second Human, the gift of my power is lost forever. If I lose my virginity to one of my own kind, or Tristan's kind (yes, by the way, through extensive research we've determined we are separate but equally superhuman races), whoever takes it will receive the gift, the surge of power, the thing we have yet to find a name for. Even I don't know exactly what it is, only that it's extremely powerful and bottled up inside me just waiting to be released.
According to Luke, they've been discussing it long before I knew about it. Mom confirmed my suspicions when I asked her about her own experience with my father; she told me it was a main reason why she prayed I would wait until marriage, so then the right man would be by my side to help me with the aftermath. It doesn't just affect him, it will make me even stronger in my own abilities. I need my true mate in order to successfully endure the changes.
All this I confided with Alex in the hopes that, being my friend, she would just be an understanding ear and maybe have some good advice. But what does she do? She freaking tells Tristan. And when I tried to lightly let her know I was ticked over the betrayal, she acted like she didn't give a flying f*** about how I feel. Honestly, I shouldn't be so surprised. After listening to her stories of her escapades with other women's boyfriends, best friends, or basically guys she should have just left alone, I should have taken the hint that she really doesn't care about anyone but herself. Because if she did care, she would never have done any of this. Again, I challenge anyone to give me proof of otherwise and NOT with Tristan.
It's all enough to make me want to break down into a nervous wreck. But I can't, and I won't. I'm staving off the deep, burning hunger for carnal pleasure just like I'm staving off the hunger for food (within reason, I mean come on, I still need to live). The last thing I want is a roll in the sheets with some guy who just wants my power and/or babies. The man who gets the gift will be the one who not only loves me but proves that he does.
But I do need to sleep. That, my dear readers, is not something anyone should avoid.
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