There's a story in the Old Testament about Abraham and his willingness to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, per God's request. God told Abraham to kill Isaac as a blood sacrifice, and without question Abraham made the preparations and strapped his only child down for the kill. But at the last second, an angel of God appeared and stopped Abraham, telling him this was only a test of his loyalty and he passed. Isaac lived, and Abraham was blessed.
As a kid, I always thought yeah, duh, of course we do what God says without question. Sacrifice your loved one? Okay, because God is in control.
Except....I couldn't do it. Not when it came down to actually doing it.
I've spent the day wondering if I acted in pure selfishness and went against the natural order of things, if I went against God's will by....well, we're still not sure what exactly happened. All day today, my eyes were red, one was swollen, and my palms tingled. My lower back hurt. And my mind kept replaying the night before.
All I could think about was how much I love him. How much I've missed him. And how little time two weeks was to finally have him again, only to lose him to some coward assassin?? No! His eyes, so full of love, reassured me that everything would be okay. His voice, so weak, promised that he'd always be here with me, no matter what, because he loves me. Deep down I knew that somehow, maybe he'd made his peace.
But I hadn't. So I couldn't.
Time and again I've told Tristan that a fool is a Seer who tries to change the future. Call me a fool, then. I don't know and I don't really care. I couldn't lose Jake again, I couldn't go through the pain and torment again. I begged and pleaded with him to stay, with God to make him stay, until in an act of desperation I built up as much energy as I could and slammed it into his chest.
Again. And again. And again.
When I finally fell asleep it was by his side, his heartbeat stabilized and vitals gradually improving. He was unconscious, but alive.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jake. Maybe I should have just let things be, maybe I robbed you of the chance to go to paradise....I don't know. All I know is I couldn't, and I can't, let you go. All I could think about was those days we spent in the woods, summer sunlight dancing through the trees, the sound of the river as we splashed and danced across the sandbars. Learning to see in the dark, you by my side, guiding me through my fears and teaching me to be brave and have courage when I would have otherwise run. What it feels like to just look at you, and to see in your eyes everything I need to know....everything that makes this chaotic universe so beautiful.
I didn't want it to go dark.
As I write this, the tears stream down my face and my body wracks with sobs as I come to terms with what needs to be done. I have to let him go. I have to give him to God, to let be done what will be done. And if it is God's will, maybe he will live and return to me and all will be well. It's the chance that God has other plans that has me terrified.
8.13.2013
8.08.2013
All Hail
I realized I forgot to update you on what may perhaps be forever known as a most historic occasion.
According to the tales I've been told, Tristan gave his speech perfectly. The crowd was moved, the people rejoiced, and in a moment of pure inspiration, the prince moved into a dance that created light and colors unlike any the people have ever seen before. And in an unprecedented move, the leader of the elders stood and requested a vote immediately after Tristan concluded his dance.
300 votes, unanimous, all yes.
Tristan shall be crowned king of Gora.
According to the tales I've been told, Tristan gave his speech perfectly. The crowd was moved, the people rejoiced, and in a moment of pure inspiration, the prince moved into a dance that created light and colors unlike any the people have ever seen before. And in an unprecedented move, the leader of the elders stood and requested a vote immediately after Tristan concluded his dance.
300 votes, unanimous, all yes.
Tristan shall be crowned king of Gora.
Bargain
"Promise me something."
"Sure."
"If there are things you can't tell me, just say so and I'll respect that." I took a swig of root beer and looked him in the eyes, serious as ever. "Just don't lie to me."
Tristan paused, stared back at me for a long moment, then nodded. "I think I can do that."
"Good. Because not only is it hurtful, but you would think that after nearly ten years of knowing me, four of those as a photo analyst, it's insulting to be handed fake photos passed off as evidence." My words slipped out with a sting of venom, not out of anger but to make sure he understood how dead serious I was about this. "As if I wouldn't figure it out."
I'd told Jake the same thing, and both men conceded that I had a valid point. So Tristan and I struck a deal: I won't annoy him for details and he won't lie to me. Which pretty much means our conversations will now consist of the words, "I can't tell you."
Lovely.
"Sure."
"If there are things you can't tell me, just say so and I'll respect that." I took a swig of root beer and looked him in the eyes, serious as ever. "Just don't lie to me."
Tristan paused, stared back at me for a long moment, then nodded. "I think I can do that."
"Good. Because not only is it hurtful, but you would think that after nearly ten years of knowing me, four of those as a photo analyst, it's insulting to be handed fake photos passed off as evidence." My words slipped out with a sting of venom, not out of anger but to make sure he understood how dead serious I was about this. "As if I wouldn't figure it out."
I'd told Jake the same thing, and both men conceded that I had a valid point. So Tristan and I struck a deal: I won't annoy him for details and he won't lie to me. Which pretty much means our conversations will now consist of the words, "I can't tell you."
Lovely.
8.06.2013
Waiting
"I have some hard news."
"Figures."
Jake took a deep breath and offered an attempt at a good-humored smile. "They've grown impatient. The Council has demanded his return and....moved the speech up from Friday."
I balked. "To when?!?"
"Tomorrow." His smile grew a little, and his eyes warmed just enough to grant small comfort. "I think you should be the one to tell him."
I balked even more. "Me?!? Why me?!? You're the Ambassador for North America! I'm just some Second-Human hybrid..." I sighed as letters from Nicks flashed in my mind. "...who was appointed as his personal guardian by his father, the king."
Jake's smile was a big, silent, "Yup. Exactly."
He had a few more requests in preparation for this momentous occasion, and after running stats through my head, I sighed. "Screw it. Why not. I'm financially effed anyways, what's one more day?"
"And that's why you're so awesome." He grinned and kissed me. I'd be lying if I said that didn't boost my confidence just a little.
When Tristan returned, I led him out to his deck and handed him a cigarette. "Here. You'll need this."
He gave me a quizzical look but sat down and pulled out his lighter. I waited for him to light up and then spoke. "Your speech has been moved up from Friday."
Tristan paused mid-light, hand cupped around the cigarette and flame flickering across his fingers. "To when?"
I waited for the cigarette to be lit, then took it out of his mouth and sucked down a deep drawl for myself. Deep breath. "Tomorrow." The smoke swirled around that word, and I tucked the cigarette back between his parted, and frozen, lips.
Tristan didn't move. Not an eyelash, until the lit end almost toppled over down his arms. "What?!?"
I explained to him all that Jake had told me, and Tristan was visibly shaken. So was I. We were supposed to have a week to prepare, a week to perfect every word, every moment of delivery, but because the Council of 300 decided to act like children and demand what I personally think wasn't theirs to demand, we now had 24 hours. So we drilled, and drilled, and drilled. We ran through that speech until we were both cross-eyed and exhausted.
But we couldn't sleep. Rather, Tristan couldn't sleep and because he couldn't, I wasn't allowed to. So instead of getting the few hours of rest I wanted, instead of sinking into a deep, peaceful sleep far away from childish councils and impending histories, I was dragged out of bed and into the dark morning air to keep the young prince company. What does he do when he can't sleep? He buys mac and cheese at WalMart and people watches. What did I do? Sleepily push the cart and make audible notes on his oh-so-bachelor-style grocery list. Mac and cheese, canned ravioli, sugar cookies, soda. The only reason why he didn't grab beer is because he's fully stocked.
I called in sick to work because Jake had requested it, Tristan needed my moral support, and I actually do feel sick. Sick with worry, sick with nerves, sick with exhaustion (look, I have this thing with sunlight- if it's pouring through the window, I'm up. Even if I've only slept for 2 hours). We are mere hours away from what may very well be one of the most important moments in modern history, what may be the catalyst into a new and unforeseen future for both Earth and Gora. And at this very moment, Prince Tristan sleeps by my side, well into the day, while I sit up and feel my stomach clench with a myriad of emotion.
Our entire lives have built up to this one moment, with most of it snowballing within the past ten years. Five years, Tristan was in exile from both worlds, wandering the planet, experiencing adventure after adventure, mind-blowing stories that shake the listener to the core. Five years, Jake stood in his place and guided me into the Shadow World, teaching me how to survive and training me how to fight, all the while building a relationship that would lead to this moment, to this day. The next five years were spent with Jake in Gora, Tristan here with me, and I adjusted to the incredible power a fully-developed Seer gains through the Awakening. Ten years of heartache and torment, of joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, courage and terror, sacrifices made by Gorans and Second Humans alike....all cumulating into what the universe awaits for tonight.
"Figures."
Jake took a deep breath and offered an attempt at a good-humored smile. "They've grown impatient. The Council has demanded his return and....moved the speech up from Friday."
I balked. "To when?!?"
"Tomorrow." His smile grew a little, and his eyes warmed just enough to grant small comfort. "I think you should be the one to tell him."
I balked even more. "Me?!? Why me?!? You're the Ambassador for North America! I'm just some Second-Human hybrid..." I sighed as letters from Nicks flashed in my mind. "...who was appointed as his personal guardian by his father, the king."
Jake's smile was a big, silent, "Yup. Exactly."
He had a few more requests in preparation for this momentous occasion, and after running stats through my head, I sighed. "Screw it. Why not. I'm financially effed anyways, what's one more day?"
"And that's why you're so awesome." He grinned and kissed me. I'd be lying if I said that didn't boost my confidence just a little.
When Tristan returned, I led him out to his deck and handed him a cigarette. "Here. You'll need this."
He gave me a quizzical look but sat down and pulled out his lighter. I waited for him to light up and then spoke. "Your speech has been moved up from Friday."
Tristan paused mid-light, hand cupped around the cigarette and flame flickering across his fingers. "To when?"
I waited for the cigarette to be lit, then took it out of his mouth and sucked down a deep drawl for myself. Deep breath. "Tomorrow." The smoke swirled around that word, and I tucked the cigarette back between his parted, and frozen, lips.
Tristan didn't move. Not an eyelash, until the lit end almost toppled over down his arms. "What?!?"
I explained to him all that Jake had told me, and Tristan was visibly shaken. So was I. We were supposed to have a week to prepare, a week to perfect every word, every moment of delivery, but because the Council of 300 decided to act like children and demand what I personally think wasn't theirs to demand, we now had 24 hours. So we drilled, and drilled, and drilled. We ran through that speech until we were both cross-eyed and exhausted.
But we couldn't sleep. Rather, Tristan couldn't sleep and because he couldn't, I wasn't allowed to. So instead of getting the few hours of rest I wanted, instead of sinking into a deep, peaceful sleep far away from childish councils and impending histories, I was dragged out of bed and into the dark morning air to keep the young prince company. What does he do when he can't sleep? He buys mac and cheese at WalMart and people watches. What did I do? Sleepily push the cart and make audible notes on his oh-so-bachelor-style grocery list. Mac and cheese, canned ravioli, sugar cookies, soda. The only reason why he didn't grab beer is because he's fully stocked.
I called in sick to work because Jake had requested it, Tristan needed my moral support, and I actually do feel sick. Sick with worry, sick with nerves, sick with exhaustion (look, I have this thing with sunlight- if it's pouring through the window, I'm up. Even if I've only slept for 2 hours). We are mere hours away from what may very well be one of the most important moments in modern history, what may be the catalyst into a new and unforeseen future for both Earth and Gora. And at this very moment, Prince Tristan sleeps by my side, well into the day, while I sit up and feel my stomach clench with a myriad of emotion.
Our entire lives have built up to this one moment, with most of it snowballing within the past ten years. Five years, Tristan was in exile from both worlds, wandering the planet, experiencing adventure after adventure, mind-blowing stories that shake the listener to the core. Five years, Jake stood in his place and guided me into the Shadow World, teaching me how to survive and training me how to fight, all the while building a relationship that would lead to this moment, to this day. The next five years were spent with Jake in Gora, Tristan here with me, and I adjusted to the incredible power a fully-developed Seer gains through the Awakening. Ten years of heartache and torment, of joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, courage and terror, sacrifices made by Gorans and Second Humans alike....all cumulating into what the universe awaits for tonight.
8.04.2013
Winds of Change
How do I even begin to tell you about all that has happened in just the past week?
One week. Exactly one week ago today, Jake crash-landed into my life and ignited the flame of hope that has quickly spread like wildfire. I know that many here continue to live on in their mundane lives, but still the people of Earth have sensed a change in the winds. I watch the police begin frantic searches for the unnamed, neighbors are noticing heightened activity around my family's home when no one is there, and moods in general are shifting. Perhaps that is the main advantage to working where I do. I get to monitor the general public's views on the universe.
I am going to effing kill this stupid fly that keeps distracting me from my dramatic prose.
Dramatic prose..... Ten years ago, if you'd told me that I would one day be writing the "Return Speech" for a lost prince of the oldest human civilization in the universe, I would have considered you insane and laughed, then quickly walked away. But write I have, into a short but hopefully powerful speech that Jake has deemed "perfect".
At times I am glad that we have far bigger issues to focus on rather than the interesting awkwardness that is our relationship. Four years wondering what I would say to him if I ever had the great gift of seeing him again, and my first word was, "Yessir." At some point between teaching me how to fight and gazing up at the stars from a country road, to arriving unexpectedly in my new house, Jake has become someone of great influence and authority. I hear it in his voice, the new way he uses formal language, and I see it in the way he carries himself. Four years ago if he told me what to do, I laughed in his face and told him to try again and see what happens. Now....For some reason I find it so easy to just do what he says. I trust him. I sort of never thought I'd actually be able to say those words: I trust him.
There exists a wall between us, a wall that was smashed down when we reunited and then quickly raised back up when he told me what had occurred in his life while we were apart. I cannot fault him for anything, nor do I have the right to feel hurt or betrayed or anything of the sort. I just....I wasn't allowed to get married or have children thus far. So I struggle with the reality that he was allowed to do both. God has His reasons and the main one He has already shared with me, which I in turn shared with Tristan, who is considering the matter carefully. I pray for Jake every day, as he is still grieving the recent death of his wife that happened in childbirth. I told him that I am here for him if and when he needs to talk, as I know all too well what it is to grieve the loss of someone you love. Only difference is, mine came back from the dead.
In everything that has happened within this past week, I am very well aware that there are those in this world, and theirs, who oppose what Jake and I have been doing to help Tristan. In this one week, I went from being able to survive okay financially to not having anything at all to live off of until September, if I am lucky. Not too far away, someone tried poisoning Jake's infant son in his sleep. Again, I am grateful for issues to worry about that are greater than my own, such as praying protection over little Marius and praying for wisdom and insight into all the intrigue. The fact that I am now so poor and desolate, I'm lucky if I can get assistance from the Food Bank? Pssshhhhtttt. Small potatoes.
Tristan's father, the late king of Gora, who I had affectionately and personally known as Nicks, left a message for me that Jake gave in the first few moments we had together again.
"Hope is a flame that with one puff of air, is so easily blown out and snuffed. But build a wall around it, protect that flame, and no one can take it from you."
There is a change in the winds, and I am guarding the flame of hope within me that may very well ignite a wildfire on Earth.
One week. Exactly one week ago today, Jake crash-landed into my life and ignited the flame of hope that has quickly spread like wildfire. I know that many here continue to live on in their mundane lives, but still the people of Earth have sensed a change in the winds. I watch the police begin frantic searches for the unnamed, neighbors are noticing heightened activity around my family's home when no one is there, and moods in general are shifting. Perhaps that is the main advantage to working where I do. I get to monitor the general public's views on the universe.
I am going to effing kill this stupid fly that keeps distracting me from my dramatic prose.
Dramatic prose..... Ten years ago, if you'd told me that I would one day be writing the "Return Speech" for a lost prince of the oldest human civilization in the universe, I would have considered you insane and laughed, then quickly walked away. But write I have, into a short but hopefully powerful speech that Jake has deemed "perfect".
At times I am glad that we have far bigger issues to focus on rather than the interesting awkwardness that is our relationship. Four years wondering what I would say to him if I ever had the great gift of seeing him again, and my first word was, "Yessir." At some point between teaching me how to fight and gazing up at the stars from a country road, to arriving unexpectedly in my new house, Jake has become someone of great influence and authority. I hear it in his voice, the new way he uses formal language, and I see it in the way he carries himself. Four years ago if he told me what to do, I laughed in his face and told him to try again and see what happens. Now....For some reason I find it so easy to just do what he says. I trust him. I sort of never thought I'd actually be able to say those words: I trust him.
There exists a wall between us, a wall that was smashed down when we reunited and then quickly raised back up when he told me what had occurred in his life while we were apart. I cannot fault him for anything, nor do I have the right to feel hurt or betrayed or anything of the sort. I just....I wasn't allowed to get married or have children thus far. So I struggle with the reality that he was allowed to do both. God has His reasons and the main one He has already shared with me, which I in turn shared with Tristan, who is considering the matter carefully. I pray for Jake every day, as he is still grieving the recent death of his wife that happened in childbirth. I told him that I am here for him if and when he needs to talk, as I know all too well what it is to grieve the loss of someone you love. Only difference is, mine came back from the dead.
In everything that has happened within this past week, I am very well aware that there are those in this world, and theirs, who oppose what Jake and I have been doing to help Tristan. In this one week, I went from being able to survive okay financially to not having anything at all to live off of until September, if I am lucky. Not too far away, someone tried poisoning Jake's infant son in his sleep. Again, I am grateful for issues to worry about that are greater than my own, such as praying protection over little Marius and praying for wisdom and insight into all the intrigue. The fact that I am now so poor and desolate, I'm lucky if I can get assistance from the Food Bank? Pssshhhhtttt. Small potatoes.
Tristan's father, the late king of Gora, who I had affectionately and personally known as Nicks, left a message for me that Jake gave in the first few moments we had together again.
"Hope is a flame that with one puff of air, is so easily blown out and snuffed. But build a wall around it, protect that flame, and no one can take it from you."
There is a change in the winds, and I am guarding the flame of hope within me that may very well ignite a wildfire on Earth.
Found
I dragged the mail out of the box and sighed, flipping through the envelopes and junk mail ads. "Keep....keep.....toss...definitely toss...." My fingers fumbled for the keys while still sorting mail, which was more than I expected to get in my first week of receiving any mail at my new home.
Home. I'd only been here for a week and yet....so much has happened, so much to mark it as my own. I took a moment to look around at the chaos so cutely piled in the large living room (cutely because it looks so dwarfed in the room), my eyes falling on the dining room which is currently my bedroom. To say so much has happened there is not to suggest anything sexual in nature. It just happened to be the place where history began shoving itself into our faces.
And the place where I found him.
If one moment will be forever burned into my mind, it will be the moment he opened his eyes and looked at me. So much disbelief and joy mixed together, so much emotion and I daresay, love, all swimming together in those sapphire eyes. He breathed my name, again almost in disbelief, and his hands grabbed the sides of my face to feel if I was real. And in that moment, an overwhelming joy and sheer relief filled my heart at the same time my head was rifling through every possibility of what this could be.
He pulled me close, and he kissed me.
And I knew.
"I missed you so much," he said, still caressing my hair. Then before I could say anything, his eyes rolled back and he slumped back into slumber, leaving me breathless and wide-eyed at his side. One name caught in my throat, one name dared not leap off my tongue in terror that I could be wrong. One name filled my heart with such indescribable emotion and at the same time, so much fear that this was a dream.
Jake.
Home. I'd only been here for a week and yet....so much has happened, so much to mark it as my own. I took a moment to look around at the chaos so cutely piled in the large living room (cutely because it looks so dwarfed in the room), my eyes falling on the dining room which is currently my bedroom. To say so much has happened there is not to suggest anything sexual in nature. It just happened to be the place where history began shoving itself into our faces.
And the place where I found him.
If one moment will be forever burned into my mind, it will be the moment he opened his eyes and looked at me. So much disbelief and joy mixed together, so much emotion and I daresay, love, all swimming together in those sapphire eyes. He breathed my name, again almost in disbelief, and his hands grabbed the sides of my face to feel if I was real. And in that moment, an overwhelming joy and sheer relief filled my heart at the same time my head was rifling through every possibility of what this could be.
He pulled me close, and he kissed me.
And I knew.
"I missed you so much," he said, still caressing my hair. Then before I could say anything, his eyes rolled back and he slumped back into slumber, leaving me breathless and wide-eyed at his side. One name caught in my throat, one name dared not leap off my tongue in terror that I could be wrong. One name filled my heart with such indescribable emotion and at the same time, so much fear that this was a dream.
Jake.
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