The first week of our engagement was....eventful. 80% of the time, it was absolute bliss filled with joyous well-wishes from friends and family and a realization for both of us that we are finally together. Forever. This is it, the time for us. What we have been waiting for all our lives.
The other 20% was.....interesting. Stressful. It amazes me how incredibly selfish people can behave without realizing exactly what they're doing. This lack of knowing the full impact of their actions has kept me in check, in a gentle state of mind, so Tristan and I can deal with the obstacles as they come. When I do get annoyed, I just talk with him and let him take care of those things that I totally suck at handling peacefully. Like, I understand if someone is happy yet feels left out of the love-world. I've been there, I totally get it. But there's a time and a place for those emotions, and 24/7 out in the open for the world isn't the best option. It makes us feel really, really uncomfortable. Especially when those emotions turn into accusations that are completely unfounded. Oh, and let's not forget certain family members who are slowly.....slowly....learning to let go of control over Tristan's life. Which means letting me handle some of it, too (the guy does not remember his schedule well! lol)
Yet....none of that matters. Not really. I look at Tristan and it's like....peace. Happiness. Safety. A state of being I once thought was only a myth, but it's real! The way he looks at me with that glow in his eyes....I've waited so long for that. To hold each other, kiss each other, just bask in each other's closeness....it's bliss. Absolute bliss. Even now I watch him sleep, and I thank God every second that passes for letting me be the wife of someone so incredibly handsome and deeply good as Tristan Keller. Even more, I thank God for letting him love me. Helping him love me. Heck, even getting him to the consideration point! :P
Lydia refuses to even attend my wedding, but I am more saddened for her than I am hurt now. She has never been taught, through action, the concept of forgiveness. The idea that what is done is done, and we move on to a better tomorrow. Yes, Tristan injured me deeply. Yes, he caused an incredible amount of damage in my life, emotionally, mentally, at times almost physically. But part of truly seeing, and the type of seeing that everyone can do but most choose not to, is seeing deep within another and finding who they truly are beneath the mask and/or curse. Somehow, through the grace and mercy of God, I was able to see through the violent torment in Tristan's mind to the man within. Way, way within. My anger and frustration with him came from knowing that he is a better man. That Tristan Keller is not just a better man, but a great man capable of goodness and wisdom beyond his years, and at the time he was buried beneath the wreckage of a shattered life.
If you're reading this and think, "I'm buried, I've cried out to God and He just left me here to die", that is so. Not. True. God never, ever abandons you. He never has and never will. It is all in your perception of your life, and your true heart. A soul that cries out to God is answered, a heart that begs for deliverance is freed by Christ who can do all things when we just trust Him. And that, dear reader, is the ultimate sign of love. Trust. I can say, wholeheartedly and before the courts of Heaven, I trust Tristan Keller. I trust him because I trust God, and God has already proved time and again He will defend me and advocate for me should I ask. So if you're wondering why God has not answered you, He seriously has. You are someone worth dying for, and God sees value in you that no other human in this universe will ever fully see. When someone tells you you're beautiful, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Do you trust Him?
2.24.2012
2.15.2012
Promise
We'd spent the day shopping, looking around for ideas to a hypothetical event which, to be honest, carried a lot of doubt in my mind. Tristan and I have done this before, talked about something that just never happened. But it was still fun, and I love spending time with him.
We needed it, too. After a week of searching for Nicks, our people found him. Nicks didn't survive. The loss of the great man was met with an outcry of rage and sorrow in the Organization, and Tristan felt it the hardest of us all. So maybe we just needed to distract ourselves from our grief. We just needed each other.
Every time I get home, I have to pee. It's just this ritual I've developed. When I came back to my bedroom, the lights were dimmed, candles on the wall lit, and Tristan stood in the center smiling at me gently. I smiled back and walked up to him. "Hey."
"Hey," he replied, taking my hands in his. I noticed him twitch a little, like his knees were thinking something over. And then I felt him press something into my hand. "Mira Willis..."
"Tristan Keller?" My smile grew a bit more as my stomach did a little flip.
"Will you marry me?"
I grinned and leaned in close. "Yes. Yes, I will marry you!"
People have asked why I said yes, or why he wants to marry me (honestly, those who have asked were either jealous or formerly jealous or...well, skeptical). Tristan said I'm The One. I tell them that I love him, that it's time, that there is no one else for me because I don't love anyone more than I love him. I've been asked if I wish he was more stable before becoming his wife, but what is more stable than now? Why put off something so wonderful for....that? I love Tristan, as he is, and all I want of him is his love for me. And despite all our struggles, all the drama and confusion, somehow in the midst of it all our love has been the one constant, stable foothold between us. Something only God can create in us.
Prince Tristan and Lady Mira. I like that. :)
We needed it, too. After a week of searching for Nicks, our people found him. Nicks didn't survive. The loss of the great man was met with an outcry of rage and sorrow in the Organization, and Tristan felt it the hardest of us all. So maybe we just needed to distract ourselves from our grief. We just needed each other.
Every time I get home, I have to pee. It's just this ritual I've developed. When I came back to my bedroom, the lights were dimmed, candles on the wall lit, and Tristan stood in the center smiling at me gently. I smiled back and walked up to him. "Hey."
"Hey," he replied, taking my hands in his. I noticed him twitch a little, like his knees were thinking something over. And then I felt him press something into my hand. "Mira Willis..."
"Tristan Keller?" My smile grew a bit more as my stomach did a little flip.
"Will you marry me?"
I grinned and leaned in close. "Yes. Yes, I will marry you!"
People have asked why I said yes, or why he wants to marry me (honestly, those who have asked were either jealous or formerly jealous or...well, skeptical). Tristan said I'm The One. I tell them that I love him, that it's time, that there is no one else for me because I don't love anyone more than I love him. I've been asked if I wish he was more stable before becoming his wife, but what is more stable than now? Why put off something so wonderful for....that? I love Tristan, as he is, and all I want of him is his love for me. And despite all our struggles, all the drama and confusion, somehow in the midst of it all our love has been the one constant, stable foothold between us. Something only God can create in us.
Prince Tristan and Lady Mira. I like that. :)
2.01.2012
L'amour
Love is the most powerful thing in the world. Today people tend to think that the greatest weapon is information; those who have knowledge of bigger things can overpower those without any insight into the world. But love.... It is a great and terrible beauty that drives man to choose his destiny, how he will use his weapon of information to create or destroy.
We live in an age that puts love into categories and boxes, making us victims to our own torture. When our hearts break we blame the other for betraying us, but we are our own heartbreaks. Our expectations dictated by society, hammered into our minds by advice and observation, lead us to believe that love is something we can mold into what we each want. And this, dear reader, is the greatest mistake in human history.
I grew up knowing I was different from the others, that there were few of us in the world who were not of it, but I still fell prey to the expectations of love. He should be like this, she should do that, words should sound like this, love looks like that. I was trained to speak a certain way, to judge actions based upon a criteria for "normal love". Even my parents held these expectations of what a mate should be like, what is and is not done, what constitutes as a relationship.
Have we so easily forgotten the time before dating? When to love a man meant just loving him, showing him how much and appreciating every moment he does the same. There was a time when it was easier to see and understand the way a man loves according to who he is as a person, as an individual. Sometimes I wonder if the only way I was ever able to consider that was because I'd read the occasional romance novel, for such ideas are not found in magazines or even read aloud in church. A man only truly loved you if he did certain things or said certain words, half of which I cannot begin to remember. A woman of today's modernity must be critical and careful; should the man falter, she must decide whether he is worth the struggle unless he makes the decision for her.
Crap. It's all a bunch of crap.
People think I'm emotionally suicidal for loving Tristan so consistently despite all we've been through. I can honestly, wholeheartedly say that if it weren't for the constant struggle, I may never have been able to break free of the world's prison of conceptual love.
"Do you love me?" I had to ask him. The part of me that grew up in this world screamed that it's the lamest thing to ask the man who took away the titles of boyfriend/girlfriend. Because, obviously, the answer would be no.
"Yes."
I looked at him. I scanned his face. Tristan Keller, prince of Gora, cannot lie to Mira Willis. No one can lie to a seer without some form of a "tell". And this moment was one of the very few in which Tristan Keller, prince of Gora, was telling the complete truth. To say his heart spoke the answer would make the average person say I make the assumption based on facial features, tone, etc. Maybe I did. But it was so much more than just body language. Some things just cannot be sufficiently described.
My understanding of love according to the world was turned upside down and shaken for change. According to modern standards, Tristan does not love me because he did not give our dating relationship a chance to survive. According to advice columns, he should just be another notch in the belt, an experience on my resume.
But the world does not see the love of our kind. It has forgotten what it's like to love not only through action, but through just...being. If Tristan does not love me, then he would not have set up protection for my family. A man who does not love does not care if the woman stays or goes in his life. He would not want her happiness over his own desires. But Tristan....he does love me. Some would say his words mean nothing without action, but I see it in everything. I feel it in the air, this sort of energy that only exists when we're in the same room. No one has to speak. No one has to move. It's always there, always pulsing, always an ebb and flow between us that does not occur with anyone else (at least, for me).
I once read that a woman would know her true love, her true mate, when she found herself in full submission to him heart, body and soul. While the technicalities of that are up for debate, I cannot help but find it to be true in the broader sense. My entire life has been one long string of men I do not trust as much as I should, men who I only half-listened to because I'd yet to find one trustworthy and dependable. And yet.... when I imagine standing beside Tristan as he introduces me to his people, I am not the open-voiced, proud woman I expected to be. Instead I am content to just be by his side, to follow his lead and let him call the shots. In reality, despite our differences I find myself trusting his judgment without hesitation. Not because he is a prince, not because I owe him some form of debt or allegiance (I can already see the smirk on his face if/when he reads this that says "damn straight you do, woman! Hehe").
Love is the most powerful thing in the world. It is the only thing that clouded my vision and now it has made me clearer, stronger, more resilient, and ready to take on anything. Love is, I dare to say, what may be the only thing Tristan Keller truly fears because of its abilities to bring a man to his knees. Luke once told me that having women involved in warfare was a very dangerous thing because should you love her, which more often than not you would, she becomes your priority and your weakness. I laughed at the idea then.
Not so much now.
"....Do not awaken love until it so desires." Song of Solomon 2:7
We live in an age that puts love into categories and boxes, making us victims to our own torture. When our hearts break we blame the other for betraying us, but we are our own heartbreaks. Our expectations dictated by society, hammered into our minds by advice and observation, lead us to believe that love is something we can mold into what we each want. And this, dear reader, is the greatest mistake in human history.
I grew up knowing I was different from the others, that there were few of us in the world who were not of it, but I still fell prey to the expectations of love. He should be like this, she should do that, words should sound like this, love looks like that. I was trained to speak a certain way, to judge actions based upon a criteria for "normal love". Even my parents held these expectations of what a mate should be like, what is and is not done, what constitutes as a relationship.
Have we so easily forgotten the time before dating? When to love a man meant just loving him, showing him how much and appreciating every moment he does the same. There was a time when it was easier to see and understand the way a man loves according to who he is as a person, as an individual. Sometimes I wonder if the only way I was ever able to consider that was because I'd read the occasional romance novel, for such ideas are not found in magazines or even read aloud in church. A man only truly loved you if he did certain things or said certain words, half of which I cannot begin to remember. A woman of today's modernity must be critical and careful; should the man falter, she must decide whether he is worth the struggle unless he makes the decision for her.
Crap. It's all a bunch of crap.
People think I'm emotionally suicidal for loving Tristan so consistently despite all we've been through. I can honestly, wholeheartedly say that if it weren't for the constant struggle, I may never have been able to break free of the world's prison of conceptual love.
"Do you love me?" I had to ask him. The part of me that grew up in this world screamed that it's the lamest thing to ask the man who took away the titles of boyfriend/girlfriend. Because, obviously, the answer would be no.
"Yes."
I looked at him. I scanned his face. Tristan Keller, prince of Gora, cannot lie to Mira Willis. No one can lie to a seer without some form of a "tell". And this moment was one of the very few in which Tristan Keller, prince of Gora, was telling the complete truth. To say his heart spoke the answer would make the average person say I make the assumption based on facial features, tone, etc. Maybe I did. But it was so much more than just body language. Some things just cannot be sufficiently described.
My understanding of love according to the world was turned upside down and shaken for change. According to modern standards, Tristan does not love me because he did not give our dating relationship a chance to survive. According to advice columns, he should just be another notch in the belt, an experience on my resume.
But the world does not see the love of our kind. It has forgotten what it's like to love not only through action, but through just...being. If Tristan does not love me, then he would not have set up protection for my family. A man who does not love does not care if the woman stays or goes in his life. He would not want her happiness over his own desires. But Tristan....he does love me. Some would say his words mean nothing without action, but I see it in everything. I feel it in the air, this sort of energy that only exists when we're in the same room. No one has to speak. No one has to move. It's always there, always pulsing, always an ebb and flow between us that does not occur with anyone else (at least, for me).
I once read that a woman would know her true love, her true mate, when she found herself in full submission to him heart, body and soul. While the technicalities of that are up for debate, I cannot help but find it to be true in the broader sense. My entire life has been one long string of men I do not trust as much as I should, men who I only half-listened to because I'd yet to find one trustworthy and dependable. And yet.... when I imagine standing beside Tristan as he introduces me to his people, I am not the open-voiced, proud woman I expected to be. Instead I am content to just be by his side, to follow his lead and let him call the shots. In reality, despite our differences I find myself trusting his judgment without hesitation. Not because he is a prince, not because I owe him some form of debt or allegiance (I can already see the smirk on his face if/when he reads this that says "damn straight you do, woman! Hehe").
Love is the most powerful thing in the world. It is the only thing that clouded my vision and now it has made me clearer, stronger, more resilient, and ready to take on anything. Love is, I dare to say, what may be the only thing Tristan Keller truly fears because of its abilities to bring a man to his knees. Luke once told me that having women involved in warfare was a very dangerous thing because should you love her, which more often than not you would, she becomes your priority and your weakness. I laughed at the idea then.
Not so much now.
"....Do not awaken love until it so desires." Song of Solomon 2:7
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