Sacrifice

There's a story in the Old Testament about Abraham and his willingness to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, per God's request.  God told Abraham to kill Isaac as a blood sacrifice, and without question Abraham made the preparations and strapped his only child down for the kill.  But at the last second, an angel of God appeared and stopped Abraham, telling him this was only a test of his loyalty and he passed.  Isaac lived, and Abraham was blessed.

As a kid, I always thought yeah, duh, of course we do what God says without question.  Sacrifice your loved one? Okay, because God is in control.

Except....I couldn't do it.  Not when it came down to actually doing it.

I've spent the day wondering if I acted in pure selfishness and went against the natural order of things, if I went against God's will by....well, we're still not sure what exactly happened.  All day today, my eyes were red, one was swollen, and my palms tingled.  My lower back hurt.  And my mind kept replaying the night before.

All I could think about was how much I love him.  How much I've missed him.  And how little time two weeks was to finally have him again, only to lose him to some coward assassin??  No!  His eyes, so full of love, reassured me that everything would be okay.  His voice, so weak, promised that he'd always be here with me, no matter what, because he loves me.  Deep down I knew that somehow, maybe he'd made his peace.

But I hadn't.  So I couldn't.

Time and again I've told Tristan that a fool is a Seer who tries to change the future.  Call me a fool, then.  I don't know and I don't really care.  I couldn't lose Jake again, I couldn't go through the pain and torment again.  I begged and pleaded with him to stay, with God to make him stay, until in an act of desperation I built up as much energy as I could and slammed it into his chest.

Again.  And again.  And again.

When I finally fell asleep it was by his side, his heartbeat stabilized and vitals gradually improving.  He was unconscious, but alive.

I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry, Jake.  Maybe I should have just let things be, maybe I robbed you of the chance to go to paradise....I don't know.  All I know is I couldn't, and I can't, let you go.  All I could think about was those days we spent in the woods, summer sunlight dancing through the trees, the sound of the river as we splashed and danced across the sandbars.  Learning to see in the dark, you by my side, guiding me through my fears and teaching me to be brave and have courage when I would have otherwise run.  What it feels like to just look at you, and to see in your eyes everything I need to know....everything that makes this chaotic universe so beautiful.

I didn't want it to go dark.

As I write this, the tears stream down my face and my body wracks with sobs as I come to terms with what needs to be done.  I have to let him go.  I have to give him to God, to let be done what will be done.  And if it is God's will, maybe he will live and return to me and all will be well.  It's the chance that God has other plans that has me terrified.