The Need

It is becoming increasingly apparent I need to find my mate.  This deep hunger, this ache, this intolerable need for something I can't even begin to describe.... I don't know how much longer I can stand it.  This, or the fear and terrible sadness that I will never find my mate, or no man will ever want me that way.  Not to mention the nagging question of why it hasn't already happened.

I'm a freak, and I know it.  Tristan says maybe a normal guy is what I need, someone who doesn't have any clue as to our actual existence or abilities, someone who I can just be myself with.  To that I highly disagree, because how in the world would I explain the flickering lights when I'm upset, or how some things might just....move....on their own...when I'm not paying attention?  Or how I can listen in on mental processes, or have dreams about things yet to come?

Oh, and let's not forget the genetics.  My children will be just as special.  And soon I'd have to explain why they hardly ever get sick, or how when they do it lasts for maybe 24 hours.  How the healing process is much quicker than normal, and oh wow let's not even begin to describe the hormonal changes that are magnified versions of your average teenager!  The nightmares they will have won't always be just nightmares, and I do worry that like me and my sister, they will see the things that go bump in the night and I know I will not be able to lie to them.  But, then again, that is why we have God, and not just God, but Christ.  My mother taught me those skills, and I will teach them to my sons and daughters as well.

Like I told Tristan, I don't know if I have the heart in me to put so much onto the shoulders of an innocent, unwitting man.  My perfect mate would be one who is masculine, dominant, knows what he wants and gets it through hard work, and yet melts at my touch and cherishes his family just a few notches below his love for God.  Oh, and he would be just like me, powerful but practically unknowing of its genetic origins.  He would protect me and our children with every breath he has, yet recognize and respect that I can kick ass just as good as any man.

Tristan, Alex and I went and saw Paranormal Activity 3 tonight.  I called it on what was causing the whole thing 10 minutes before it was actually revealed.  Tristan high-fived me for being right, and Alex seemed a little curious.  I just explained the truth: I was trained to deal with this sort of thing.  When some older lady has exotic beads hanging from her neck, looks like she once protested at Berkeley and dresses her granddaughter up in a bridal outfit from the Victorian ages....not to mention has freaky-ass furnishings and decorations from sooooooooooo many pagan tribes..... it just all screamed "WITCH!!!!!"  And I know that the film was made to freak people out, and I did spend most of it plugging my ears and half-covering my eyes expecting the worst, the most gruesome....but when stuff did happen, I couldn't help but think, oh, that's it?  THAT'S what scares people?  Welcome to a day in my life, folks.  This is textbook crap.

When an invisible demon growls, I growl right back and slam it into the next dimension.  When things go bump and clang in the kitchen, I tell it off and it stops.  When I do feel afraid because I am alone, I turn on worship music and sing to God in the face of whatever it is trying to instill terror in me.  This was what I was raised, was trained to do.  Sunday School taught me Bible basics; my mother taught me how to use it all in spiritual warfare.  I learned the signs of the occult, how to feel for malice, how to sense the poison in the air, how to see the unseen.  I learned how to stand firm in the face of terrible evil and use my identity as a daughter of God as a weapon.

Some poor schmuck from a shared college class is NOT going to be prepared for that kind of life.  And I think, sometimes, my agony in losing Jake was due to the fact that he knew what I knew, he stood beside me and fought with me against an entire legion of demons.  He was grounded firm in his identity even though he assumed someone else's.  Not once did he ever question my visions or my dreams; he always encouraged them.  Jake helped me translate my spiritual skills into physical combat skills.  Sometimes I even dare to think he might have known what I was long before I even heard of Tristan's people.

Is there a man out there who can meet the challenge?  Anyone who has the passion, the hunger, the courage and the faith?  It seems like I'm asking for so much, but all I'm asking for is my husband.

Whoever he is.