Sentimentals

I'm falling behind in my schoolwork, rent, life itself, and despite having every reason to be thrilled beyond belief, I can't escape this awful feeling of guilt and dread.

Tristan kept asking me if I've told Luke yet that we're together.  I knew Luke was busy with his work, which consists a LOT of the things we used to do, so I didn't want to bother him in the midst of the current chaos to inform him of the relational changes.  Deep down I prayed he would just never, ever contact me again so I wouldn't have to go through the awful process that is breaking a person's heart.

"I miss you."

At this text I banged my head against my work locker.  Of course he had to text me.  After a month of silence despite my inquiries, Luke just HAD to text me and with what?  A sentimental note.  I couldn't stop the hissed cursed and my new friend/coworker Niva asked me what was wrong.  When I explained to her my issue, she just gave me a smile and shook her head.  This was my problem to deal with.

So...I ripped it off quick like a bandage and told him.  I have a boyfriend.  What followed was a very, very tense silence and whenever he did respond to my texts, it was the short quips that indicate he is NOT happy at all.  What was I supposed to say?  I honestly thought he'd moved on, found some tail to bang on his downtime and forgot about me, and I totally understood.  I thought he'd be happy for me since every time we talked about it, he encouraged me to just "go do it".  Apparently I was wrong, or he was wrong, or whatever.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with Tristan and this needed to be done.  So then why do I feel horrible?  Why am I crying?  To be perfectly honest... I'm going to miss the sweet little texts.  And the "hey this song reminded me of you" links I'd get when we chatted.

I love Tristan, and he is a wonderful man and the one for me...he's just not really the warm-mushy type.  I love him exactly as he is: strong, stubborn, resilient, passionate in his beliefs and adventurous in life.  He is much more physically affectionate than he used to be, which is AMAZING and just leaps and bounds in improvement.  And I will not ask him to "change" or do anything out of his nature, especially since that used to be a very bad habit of mine and I'm making as much of an effort as he is to making things work this time.

I just wonder, and often...does he think about me?  Like, when he's at work or driving in the car, does he hear a song that reminds him of me?   In the past he would surprise me with trinkets or just thoughtful gestures, like one night when I came home from an especially bad day at work to find our small apartment lit by candles and a note in the foyer.  He had set up a scavenger hunt written completely in Goran (to sharpen my linguistics, of course) that led me around the softly lit area until I reached the end: a warm meal of sesame chicken and rice on a brand-new bamboo set with a wrapped box on the side.  Inside the box was a small bag of chocolates and a large flower pendant made by one of my favorite designers.

Even when we swore we would never, ever be together again, I still wore that pendant.  I could never figure out why.  Especially when I knew we would be hanging out, or even if there was a chance we'd run into each other, I would pick an outfit to wear just to compliment that pendant.  Oftentimes I would think about the morning he left for work at 5am only to return half an hour later with breakfast and the day off.  Or the day I was almost tied up and stuffed in the attic, how he rushed home and searched for me then held me in his arms when we established he was the good guy.  I remember sitting on the couch with him, his fingers stroking a strand of hair behind my ear as he told me we didn't have to worry about "uninvited visitors" anymore.

Perhaps it has just been difficult for me to believe that things are finally the way they should be.  Or that I can actually allow myself to be happy again.  I keep hearing the thousand reasons why this is such a bad idea, like "he's left you before, he'll leave you again", "you're not ready", "make sure he wants you for the right reasons".  And I know they have grounds for disapproval.  I have given my own friends the same "advice".

Is it so bad to want to be happy with the one person you've always known you love?