Trust

Stay away from him.


"But...." I sighed and felt the flicker of hope for something new and better get snuffed out.  "He appreciates me.  For me.  Like, actually values what I value and believes what I believe, and......well, he appreciates me."

He's not who I promised you to.  You are not his to claim.


If I wasn't standing in the middle of my work area, I would have stomped my foot.  "Yeah?  Well the man you chose for me has thrown me away yet again!  AGAIN!  What am I supposed to do??  Wait for him to come back and use me again, drain me again, treat me like his most precious lover then act like I'm nothing, like I never existed?  What kind of life is that????"

You know the time is almost here.  And you know you can trust me.  What happened to trusting me?


Again, if it wasn't for work, I would have let the tears fall.  Only a few days ago I met a handsome young man only a year older than me, charming and adventurous and completely enamored with me.  He's strong in mind, heart and body, a practiced bowhunter and lover of all things Celtic and medieval.  Things like honor and loyalty are central to his person code of ethics.  Just by talking we learned we are identical in almost everything, so far anyways.  He wants me.  A part of me that yearns for better days minus the darkness wants him.  If I were to be honest, a BIG part of me wants to forget who I am, where I'm from, what I know, everything that has both enriched and completely ruined my life, and just run off with him into the woods to never return.

Stay away from him.  For his sake as well as yours.  He cannot have you.  You are promised to another.


"Yes.  I know this."  With another sigh, I felt my resolve crumble away to reveal a very shattered heart.  A heart that still beats for a man who threw it against the wall.  A heart that still loves, and clings to the last vestige of who I am.

You are my daughter.  


Is it too much to just want someone who will fight for you, who will die for you, who will take on the world long before they ever let go of you?  God did that for us.  And in my heart and soul I know He would not bind me to a man of any less strength and resolve because I am His daughter!  So why all this.....why do I sit here fighting back the tears and chanting to myself to trust Him, to trust Him, to trust Him?

It is easy to run away with a handsome bowhunter.  It takes an incredible amount of strength and fortitude, and ridiculously intense trust, to stand still and wait for something that seems almost impossible.  But nothing is impossible with God.  He has been talking to me through everything, from the direct voice in my heart to passages in Scripture that I would otherwise have never read, and even bringing in people to randomly tell me everything is going to be okay, stand strong and fight.  Songs start playing on the radio right when I wonder why I shouldn't just give up.

When I envisioned our wedding, starting wayyyyy back when I knew Jake as Tristan, I always saw myself getting shot.  Or stabbed.  Or someone jumping up to interrupt.  Whatever it was, for some reason I couldn't "see" our wedding without some form of tragedy occurring to me, and I'm not much of a worrier in those respects.

Now.....I gave it a go and asked God to show me what exactly I have to look forward to.  And it took my breath away.  So many flowers, so many happy faces, and no injuries.  No attacks.  And there he stood, tall and strong and golden in his glow, smiling at me with so much love in his eyes.  I yanked myself out of the vision because I couldn't believe it was still an option.  And then I tiptoed back into it, hardly able to grasp the idea that this could still happen.  It was better and far more beautiful than anything I have ever imagined on my own.  And no one tried to kill me.

I must go to sleep.  Tomorrow is full of battles to fight to get to the moment of peace.