"This always reminds me of you and me."

I never quite understood what Tristan meant whenever he said that, which was every time we watched Blood Diamond.

Now I get it.  And it only makes me sadder.

I remember sitting in the hospital room with him, fighting back every tear that threatened to fall after reading the letter he wrote to end our engagement.  Logic, I chanted over and over in my mind.  Logic and reason. Keep it cool and just use logic and reason.  "So what do you want?"  I asked, my voice a lot clearer and calmer than I expected.  "Do you want me to walk out of your life forever?  No contact?  I can do that."  In the back of my mind I almost preferred it.  I'm good at running.

"No!"  Tristan sat up straighter, a look of.....panic? on his face and he took my hand in his.  "I want you by my side through this!  I need you with me!"

"So what, you want me to act like your girlfriend/fiance/wife but you're stripping me of the titles and honors?  It doesn't work like that!"  To tell the truth, I was just confused as freaking hell.  None of this made any sense.  And all I wanted to do was run from it, run from the pain and humiliation and just.....forget.

Work scheduling did not let me visit him as often as I usually would, and a part of me was grateful for it.  Mom insisted I approach all this logically, and to set aside emotion.  So when I did finally visit him, I sat beside him in the little grove outside without saying much.  The thing is, when you know someone as well as we know each other, especially after sharing virtually every aspects of our beings together, it's that much harder to hide anything.

"Tell me what you're thinking," Tristan said as he basked in the warm sun, "before I smother you with a pillow."

Oh geez, where to start.  Knowing him, getting to the point, and bluntly, was usually what he wanted.  "What's going on?"

"Nothing's going on."  The corner of his mouth twitched.

"I mean, what's going on....out there....that you haven't been telling me?"

Now his face fought the grin that threatened to give it all away.  "Nothing's going on!"

"Oh right.  Like I believe that.  You know you can't lie to me."

Famous last words.

I didn't see him after that, mainly because I didn't know if I'd be able to stomach any more plutonic visits when I felt like dry-heaving from the pain.  From what I could gather from our mutual friends who did see him, Tristan never asked for me or remarked on my absence.  The pain sunk in deeper.  Most of the time, when able to, I just curled up in a ball and tried to wish my way into another universe, one so very far away from the pain.

Then one night, while watching some show about monkeys in India with my parents, Tristan called my cell phone.  He wanted to let me know that he was going to be released from the hospital the next day, and that he may be going away for a while for treatment.  I didn't know what to say.  Really, what I could say.  What I wanted to tell him was how much I loved him and missed him, how much I ached just to see him again so we could figure this out, so we could be together.  Instead I thanked him for keeping me updated, mentioned that we should hang out sometime soon before he left for his treatment, and we said our cordial good-byes.

That was the last time I heard from him, at all.  It was May.  Now it's July.

I have tried to drown it all out with anything I can.  Nothing works.  My talks with the bow hunter leave me feeling sick deep down in my stomach.  The mere thought of any potential "dalliances" make my mouth taste like ash.  And I am constantly haunted by dreams and visions chanting to me that he will be back, that he will return, and this is something far more than what it seems.

"So, before we go, tell me why you love each other."  The pastor we chose for our premarital counseling sessions smiled at us and motioned to Tristan.  "What about you, Tristan?  Why do you love Mira?"


I was expecting something like how I make epic cookies, or how I'm quirky and weird but that's okay, or something along the lines.  


"Because she reminds me that there's still good in this world."  Tristan's eyes got that far-off look for a moment, and in my own mind I saw all the worlds he's traveled, and all the darkness and pain he's endured.  "She fills my life with so much light, and so much love.  I see her, and I remember that life is still worth living."


The pastor smiled more and nodded, then turned to me.  "And you, Mira?  Why do you love Tristan?"


How could I put into words what is so difficult to explain?  "Because....because he's good.  Not just a good guy, but deeply, inherently good.  After seeing so many men, having so many men in my life betray and abandon me, to cause so much destruction....."  In my mind I saw my father, distant and cold as he walked away right after telling me not to call him "Daddy" anymore.  I saw every face of every man who every abandoned me, and that was every single one except my grandfather, flash in my mind as I tried to piece together a decent explanation.  "And he's still here.  Tristan's still here, by my side, even after going through so much crap in life.  He's the one man I know I can trust with my heart."


It's been almost two months, and I'm beginning to eat my words.  No matter how many dreams and visions yell at me to hang on, the fact that Tristan won't even say hi to me is an eternal knife in my heart and lungs.