A Seer's Curse

I am at the part of the night when I am so tired, so sleepy, and yet I cannot fall asleep.

Right now I wonder if Jake is upset with me.  He didn't want to see me today, even though we had plenty of time and opportunity.  I understand that he has much to process, and there is much to be done, but my heart wonders if there may be even the smallest bit of resentment towards me.

Since....I couldn't help myself.  I saw what I saw, and I urged Tristan to look into the matter.  He did, and revealed a great secret hidden from even the sharpest eyes.  A secret that answers so many questions, that pieces together every frayed strand of visions I have seen since a child.  The one it affected most was Jake, who has been rather quiet since hearing of it yesterday morning.  I wanted to be there for him, to know and see for my own eyes he's okay, but he did not want to see me.

Perhaps my worries are ill-founded.  But oftentimes I wonder if my visions are best kept in secret, to myself, and locked away to be revealed only after they come to pass.  And my visions don't always mean I saw something.  I can, and so often do, see what isn't there.  Like in Jake's case....I saw a void in the story, a hole in the tapestry of all these events and conversations woven together into what is his life, and I told both him and Tristan about the void.  And now the balance is upset, and I find myself laying in the dining room of my decrepit house wondering if being a Seer does more damage than good.

I feel God reassuring me that being a Seer, and in fact being a personal Seer to the royal family, is all part of His great plan for us and I am doing what needs to be done.  Then why is my heart heavy?

Perhaps a portion of the storm within me is a hurt pride, a need for recognition even though the right thing is to just keep calm and carry on.  I stay here and wait, wait for an undetermined amount of time for my name to be drawn from the pool of those who wish to travel to Gora.  It could be nine months, it could be nine years, it could be nine decades before my name is drawn.  No favoritism is shown, not even when the individual is Tristan's speech writer, friend of Nicks, beloved of Jake, all of which greatly count for something.  I hope, anyways, that one day someone will see that.  Right now, I feel more like hiding and not counting for anything, just so no more secrets are revealed.