Fairytale

First therapy session for Tristan was today.  Now he finally believes me when I tell him he has schizophrenia, since a professional who never met him before came to that conclusion as well.  Never mind that the Organization, our CO, myself, Alex, and anyone else who knows him (excluding his family) told him the same thing for years.  But hey, part of recovery is getting over denial.

Tomorrow he gets tested for medication.  I asked the therapist (since Tristan wanted me in the session with him) if there was a backup plan just in case the medicine doesn't work.  After the therapist bet $100 it will work because medication ALWAYS works because we've advanced in 20 years, I got uneasy about the blatant "no" for the backup plan.  I tried imagining Tristan on meds, all happy and not hearing voices or seeing weird things or trying to kill me, and I got weirded out.  I told Tristan how I felt about the lack of genuinity the medication coudl create in his personality, but he wants to try it.  I want him to be happy, and if medication is how that will happen, then so be it.

Alex and I had a great talk today.  Unfortunately, I forgot about Tristan's special ability of being able to see and hear through another person at will.  When we came back from my lunch break, and Tristan later came back from his, he told me he heard everything.  Including the part where I confessed that I still love him, how I hate his attempts to be gay, and about the visions I'd had years ago before I even met Jake.

"I don't want to raise your hopes up,"  Tristan said as we marked down products.  He was really nice about it and even gave me a smile.

I wanted to laugh, cry and punch him.  "Believe me, you're not raising any hopes."

He didn't believe me.  He still doesn't.  What part of "I have my own thing going on" does he not understand?

I once heard, way back in high school or something, that when a guy swears he doesn't like you but keeps saying you have a huge crush on him, the truth is he does like you and wants you to admit it so he doesn't feel awkward.  Sometimes I muse over this as Tristan contradicts himself, but I'm smart enough to know to not get too into the thought.  The last time he actually raised my hopes, he was a total jackass about it a month later.  What did he expect after kissing me so...thoroughly?  A thank-you note?

I do have my own thing going on.  At least, I'm trying to.  The fact that he lives in Australia and is currently in Turkey does not help.  I've known Aaron for years now, and we've attempted a long-distance relationship but it got soooooo difficult trying to contact each other all the time.  I refuse to be in another relationship with him until he comes to America, and that's never going to happen.  Even if he gets plane tickets and reserves room and transportation, he won't come.  Why?

Because God has different plans with which I disagree.

Contrary to popular belief, mainly Tristan's, I DON'T want to love him.  To love Tristan is to feel the most horrible pain.  To love Tristan is to be the epic failure in a would-be fairytale.  I'm not a lost princess who found her prince and lived happily ever after.  I'm a lost princess who found her prince who doesn't want her because he'd rather stick with what he knows and refuses to explore the unknown.

Sometimes....sometimes I can't help but think I'm not the only epic failure in this would-be fairytale.  But then I realize that's not entirely fair, because this prince who was once a great warrior and protector is now cursed and lives a very lonely, terrifying life of mental instability.  So yet again, the epic failure is the princess, who despite loving him and doing everything she can to show and live her love, cannot break his curse with a kiss, and if she can't break his, then he can't break hers.  So they live together as companions always wishing for more than a cursed life but always fighting each other so they don't give in to the one weakness that can make them strong.

Sounds melodramatic, but that's life in a nutshell.  I want so much to be with Aaron, which, if I'm to be honest, is because he's the better way out.  He's a loophole in the story.  He can be an alternate prince who comes in and saves the day for the princess by giving her everything she ever wanted.

"If you got everything you wanted, then you'd never want anything you got."  Sadly, this snippet of truth is from Homer Simpson.

So I know Aaron will not come to America and we will not live happily ever after.  It's too easy, I'd get everything I've ever wanted, and I'd be even more miserable than I am now.  I mean, let's say hypothetically that things did work out.  How do I explain the children I birth who have special abilities?

Aaron, like every other man who's ever expressed interest in me (and admittedly, that list is actually quite longer than one would think), is a Second-human gazing upon a Goran half-breed with admiration and curiosity towards the mystique of my genetics (aka looks, smells, etc).  Tristan is a Goran who is unaffected by pheromones, recognizes one of his own kind, and sees me as I am.  If another guy says I'm beautiful, I know it's a compliment laced with hormones.  If Tristan says I look beautiful, it's because I do.

See the problem?  I tell Tristan all the time that I just need to find another Goran half-breed so we can all be happy.  I'd have someone who understands my inner emotions (a Second-human trait that confounds the intellectual minds of Gorans), said male would be mostly unaffected by the glamour, and Tristan wouldn't have to put so much effort into making sure I stay arm's length away.

But then the inner voice that is reason and instinct asks me who do I think I'm kidding.  It would never be enough, would never feel right, would go against everything this story has been building up to.  And what has it been building up to?  I have no freaking clue, but it's big.  It's something unexpected, something deep, and something very very good.

I'm just pretty sure it's not that happy-ever-after.