Sex and babies

Reading my old journal entries (on a private "blog" I have on my hard drive from last year) is self-induced torture.  But I do find some good one-liners.

"If I could travel back in time I'd kick my own ass."

"How do I tell him how much I love him?  I've given in to the fact that I just don't."

Stuff like that.

I read the journal entries describing certain events in which one would think "awwwwww they love each other so much!  He is so protective and".... Crap.  I can't even come up with something good to describe me that's as accurate as "she's such a distrusting bitch".  *Sigh*

True, the past is the past.  What happened then won't happen again and there's no point wasting tears over something you can't change.  But freak it all.  I have entries from a time when we were so certain, so grounded, so determined in our love for each other.  When we had a mutual love for each other.

When we were going to get married.

But things just didn't work out.  I never dealt with my bitterness about everything in my life and Tristan had his own issues that he's still sorting through.  At moments I felt the tears sting my eyes as I read, and remembered, the way he would stroke my hair and tell me how much he loved me and was proud of me.  How he would hold me close after an encounter with less than savory characters.  I remembered the way he looked at me, caressing my face, when he told me I didn't have to worry about an old frenemy anymore.

It's terribly sad how we as people don't see or understand the underlying truth until it is far too late.  Tristan was right, it's not about the decorations or food, it's about the actual marriage (when planning a wedding).  At the time he told me that, I snapped back at him that I refuse to get married in a warehouse with flimsy paper napkins and no linens because we're "freaking ROYALTY".  I could just bitch-slap myself.  Wtf?  What the hell was I even thinking?  Shoot, today I'd be happy just having the legal papers drawn!  If I get married in a fallout shelter during WWIII, mazeltov!  But as things are, I'm lucky enough to be an aunt.  "Wife" and "mother" just aren't in my list of options as things stand, no matter how much I pray for them to be.

Lately I have been pondering over the current situation of my life at hand, and I've realized I have what I want short of sex and babies.  What's the most important part of a relationship to me?  The companionship.  Not like, oh baby let me hold you and neck you in WalMart and then take you home to make sweet sweet love.....ick.  I mean like, hey let's go get groceries and argue over the prices of sliced cheese so we can go home and make blended drinks and watch independent films before the parents arrive for a gourmet supper we only cook for company.  (Which is what Tristan and I did today, jsyk).

I guess what I'm realizing is, if the rest of my life is living with Tristan as an untouched virgin aunt, I'm going to be pretty happy.  Not as happy as I'd be with sex and babies, but content.  And comfortable.

A big issue I've always had with Tristan is my lack of trust in him, and I've really been working hard at developing a sense of trust with him.  It's not anything he's done, it's everything I've ever grown up with.  Like, learning that men are unreliable, conniving, thieving, sick-minded bastards and women have to do everything themselves.  Oh how I wanted to live a life where that wasn't true.  And lo and behold, I was given it.  I just didn't know how to act or handle it.  And despite everything, I still have that life.  Tristan and I both have our issues, but if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that I can trust him to protect me and those he loves.  When he says we should can food and get a bomb shelter with emergency kits, I start making a list of what, how much and where we will put all the supplies.

While thinking things over today, I realized that I am still here, still by his side, because I see so much good in him.  Deep, intrinstic good.  He rejects his responsibilities as a prince because he fears being unable to save our people, but I know him.  He WILL save us.  I believe in him, not in an idea of him, but the actual him.  I have seen his goodness and I know deep down, he will not fail us.