Jekyll vs. Hyde

The first 24-hours of being nice have gone well so far.

Apparently I was soooooo nice and happy, my happiness knocked out the lights in the office.  When I went in they turned off, the manager on duty freaked because they NEVER turn off, and the moment I left the room they turned back on.

Weird.

So yeah, I'm on a mission to be nice again.  Sweet.  Caring.  Mainly caring.  And censored.

Some people (mainly Tristan) might think I'm only doing this to win him back.  I fully acknowledge it's far too late for that.  At this point I'm doing it because who I am right now is not who I REALLY am.  At some point between high school and now, I started saying what I think and feel.  And I can't stop!

It did start with this one girl who kept giving me all these problems with Jake.  Overstepping boundaries, gossiping, trying to kiss him, etc.  No one stood up for me (okay, no one stood up for me effectively.  I did have a few defenders, mainly friends she tried to turn against me, but she ignored them).  Finally, I just had it.  I snapped.  I put my foot down, told her exactly how things will and will not be, and to this day she hates my very existence.

Secretly, I felt way bad about all that.  I wanted to be her friend, I was just tired of getting stepped on.  But I was still nice to everyone, I still cared about how I came across, I was still sensitive to others' emotions.

Then today, I remembered that "point of no return".

It was the one and only time Jake and I ever went to the gym together.  He believed in pain, sweat, tears and blood as the ultimate way to gain strength and lose body fat.  I believed in effectiveness, kinetics, fluidness as the ultimate way to get USEFUL muscle definition.  Our ideas of the proper exercise format clashed like the Greek titans.

"Oh my gosh, I swear, I am going to punch you in the face!"  I growled through gritted teeth.  And I wasn't kidding. My fist was clenched and elbow bent for a good, hard left-hook.

"Do it!"  Jake grinned this wild, crazy, proud grin and stepped close enough for me to knock him good.  "I want you to!"

But I remembered his teeth, how they were wired in from his surgery.  One good knock would send them flying out and I'd never forgive myself.  Plus, his face was much too handsome to bruise.  (Tristan is probably laughing hysterically that I'm even saying I could bruise a tomato since my CURRENT punch is weaker than a feather).  I shook my head and sighed.

"You need to sweat if you're ever going to lose all that body fat," Jake chided.

In retrospect I know he was just egging me on, since in recent studies of my photos from then, I looked fantastic.  I did not think of this as his words hit my ears.  I spun on him and just yelled.  "Shut up!  Just shut up!  I am so sick of your crap!"

"Yessss!"  That insane grin got wider.  "Yell at me!  Come on, get mad!"

I stopped.  "What? Why?"

"You're too happy all the time!  Like, creepy happy!  Do you have any other emotion?  You smile through everything and for once, it'd be nice to see you be human!"  Jake motioned for me to lift my fist back up and turned his head to the left just enough for a square-on punch.  "Let it out!  Show me how pissed you are for once in your life!"

I didn't punch him.  I just disowned him as my boyfriend until we left the gym and got into the car.  He asked if we were dating now that we've exited the building and I just laughed.  And I'm pretty sure I hugged him.

And slowly but surely, I started showing the world how truly pissed I was.  How disgusted I was with excuses like, "oh we know, everyone knows he's been abusing your sister.  There's nothing we can do."  How disappointed I was in the hypocrisy of the church, the lies of the honest, the underhandedness of those who called themselves friends.  I was so tired of being a doormat.  Mira's so sweet, she'll let us say and do anything around her, to her, behind her back.... And I just took Jake's advice.  I got mad.  I stopped smiling through everything.

I became human.

When the process was at full-speed, when I couldn't even remember what it was like to hide behind a smile and kind words, I met Tristan.  And I just let him know EXACTLY what I thought about him and his running around the world in exile, how I felt about everything that happened, what I expected of him and from him.  I didn't stop.  I couldn't.  He wasn't Jake, he was a disappointment, and I made sure to remind him every day.

There were a few times where my old, real self would surface and I'd look in horror at what I'd done.  I would apologize to Tristan, sobbing, begging forgiveness and for his love.  He gave it, but each time there was a longer waiting period until finally, it just didn't come anymore.  And every time, I would try for about a week before giving in to the darkness of the depression that resulted from all the self-pity.  I just gave up.

I can't live like this anymore, though.  I hate myself.  I hate whoever this is spitting out sarcasm, bitterness, judgement, criticism....  And I hate the separation from God the most.

So starting last night I made a goal, an effort to think positively, smile, and talk sweetly.  If I make myself believe it, it will be true.  And I've done good, so far.  When Tristan came in to work today after going out to lunch and informed me that his ex-girlfriend (from before he left the country many years ago, who I have lost Jake and Tristan to at one point or another and who also at some point in high school spread rumors about me but that's still up in the air as to how genuine that intel was) has moved back into town and was his ride/lunch buddy.  My immediate internal response was to scream.  But I smiled (kinda, I was also preoccupied with a phone call), and said I was glad he was having a good time, and even though he was rushing me to find the house keys and being kind of a jerk about it, I maintained that smile and chanted "be happy" in my head.  I then spent the following two hours reminding myself why I LIKE this girl and why I'm not going to plot her demise or feel threatened or remind myself of every moment of utter pain she's ever caused me just by existing.

And you know what?  It worked!  Mainly because yeah, she's pretty awesome.  I've never met her, which was another point to remember before calling her all the names that came to mind.  On one hand, she did break Jake's heart.  On the other hand, I want to hug her for doing so.  Weird, huh?  Well, he and the rest of the "Tristan Keller" troop did not comprehend the pain they were causing me until Jake was cheated on by this girl.  And as we sat at lunch together and he described to me the pain and torment and heartache.... "Have you ever felt like, you planned your life with someone, and things were so happy, and then suddenly they just rip that away like they don't even care?"  Jake asked.

I sat there, blinked, bit back the knowing smile, and waited.

The light of sudden realization clicked on in his head.  "Oh.  You do, don't you?"  He gave me a sheepish smile and busied himself with his fries.  "And you probably feel zero remorse or pity for me, huh?"

"Not a drop."  I had to smile. Not wickedly, but in comfort.  "Look, despite the sheer thrill I'm getting from watching you eat your own medicine, I am very sorry you have to go through this.  Despite the relief I feel from you now understanding the hell I've been going through, it's still not something I'd wish on anyone.  And I AM here for you."

I'm desperately trying to put myself back into the shoes I was wearing before I even knew about the Organization.  Back when I was easy to talk with, when I was someone people WANTED to talk with and share secrets with, back before I knew all the dark little secrets about the world that I know now.

And it's like sex.  Once you lose your virginity, you're never a virgin again.  You know too much, have experienced too much, and a part of you is both broken and made whole.  The craving for more is now embedded in your system, and you either become a sex-crazed fiendish maniac, run from it and join a nunnery, or find a good balance.  I lost my "personality innocence" by, well, becoming intimate with knowledge.  Information.  I hungered, I craved for more.  And it destroyed me by turning me into something much less than human.