Doppelganger

Want to know how to break a person's sanity?

Give them a reality that doesn't exist.

For over three years I have lived with the story, with the experience, of Jake nearly dying.  Long story short, he was in a plane crash in an eastern country (which will remain nameless due to current iffy relations) and called me before he went into surgery because he didn't want me to worry.  See, I knew when things were wrong.  I would get this sick feeling in my stomach and 99% of the time, I was right on and Jake or someone else would check in on things.  But most of the time, it was about Jake.

So I thought.

The night of the crash he went into surgery, and I was trying to keep my calm.  I felt so sick, so....not even here, if that makes sense.  My roommate Ellen sat with me over supper and ate half of my food, since all I grabbed were hot dogs, root beer and an insane amount of chocolate chips to up my endorphins.  She ate most of the chocolate, explaining that it was for my best interests that I don't overload.

At 5:30pm my time, I grabbed the edge of the table.  My heart was not just pounding, it was slamming against my rib cage and at a faster rate than I've ever experienced.  You know how a person's heart has that steady thump-thump, thump-thump?  Double the thumps.  It grew stronger and stronger until it slammed so hard, I gasped and then.... it stopped.  All was normal.  All was well.

On the opposite side of the world, a naval ship was speechless.  The young man on the table had broken three ribs, punctured his lung, drowned his liver, and despite attempts to save him his heart stopped and he couldn't be revived.  After 10 minutes the presiding doctor sighed and checked his watch.  "Time of death-"

Where he was it was in the darkest hours of the night, but it was 5:30pm in Chicago.  And before the doctor could finish his sentence, the patient came back to life.  His heart was beating again, he was breathing again, and from that moment on he would be regarded as someone who couldn't be killed.  The Organization, mainly the people in it, would regard him as something far more than human.

For three years I lived with the knowledge that it was Jake, and when I told him what had happened on my end he silently mused over the facts.  We realized that somehow, I was connected to him and when his heart stopped beating, mine started for the both of us until he could do it on his own.  How, why, we didn't know, but it was a revelation that would both help and confuse us in figuring out the purpose for this connection.  It wasn't the first time I felt something, it wasn't the first time I had correlated with events in his life.  This just confirmed the suspicion.

Three years I've thought I was connected to Jake.

But last night, I found out it was actually Tristan.

How much more has Jake lied about to me?  I remember him saying he knew I was connected to one of them, he just didn't know who.  I didn't understand because I thought it was freaking obvious, but he said it's probably not himself.  Why wouldn't it be?  I wondered what he was getting at, but now I know.  The more I get to know Tristan's story the more I find out what Jake meant the whole time we were together.

The other events that had correlated between my physical reaction to something dangerous in Tristan's life, well, it seems that this whole time I may have actually been connected to Tristan.  And still am.

I think it is a cruel joke of fate.  This is one of those things I blame the cosmos for, not God, because I know He has a reason for everything and this definitely has a good reason.  I just don't know what it is, or why He would pair me up with someone who doesn't want to be paired up with me, so instead of blaming Him, I blame the cosmos.  The chaos.  I have to scream at something, for this is almost too much to bear.  If things were different, if Tristan still.... I don't know.

It was so much easier thinking I was connected to Jake because haha, he actually wanted me.  At least he made it seem so.  He LIKED being around me, a lot, and I didn't get judged or ridiculed or constantly lectured or get the eye-roll or get pushed away when all I need is a hug.... But again, it was easier, which is probably why it's not the case.  Nothing is ever allowed to be easy, so I am discovering.

What am I to do with this new information?  What will Tristan do?  I know he will read this, I just don't know where to go from here.  Maybe he will have some ideas.  Or maybe he'll just brush it off.