Freedom

It's difficult to describe what I would qualify as freedom.

Not to say that I don't enjoy Tristan's company...for the most part...but I'm tired of being on my own as a woman.  When I threw myself at CO for a position in the Organization it was when Jake and I were together, when I was under the strongly emphasized impression that we were solid, we were forever.  I wanted to save lives, to stand by his side, to be his partner in everything.  Equal.  Unified.  One.

Sometimes I loathe the fact that Jake was a good man.  Too good.  So unselfish, so caring, so sensitive, he couldn't bear to see me cry.  He kept so much from me, protected me from everyone and everything, and in the end he spared me the pain of saying goodbye.  I tried finding him, I searched everywhere, even Tristan helped me pick up the trail and close in on his possible locations.  But by the time we found someone who had direct contact, Jake was dead.

I try not to think of myself as being "stuck" with Tristan.  For a while I was wholeheartedly with him, and even after secrets came to light I still held onto hope.  But facts are facts, and a big one is he's gay.  Nothing that a second-human female possesses attracts him, even on the most base, primitive levels (aside from breasts, but go figure).  Pheromones are a bust.  Tell-tale signs in females go unnoticed.  He's repulsed by the thought of sex with a woman.  And that leaves me in the middle of effing no where.  I give him props, he tried giving me a good, ideal relationship.  We just couldn't handle each other.

I just want to smash my head into the wall.  Or keyboard.  When I think of freedom, I think of exploring through the deepest woods, dancing in rivers, hiding within the emerald leaves of a large tree, rolling on a cool green patch of grass in a fit of giggles, racing across amber fields in the autumn after singing a song.  All these I used to do with Jake.  He challenged me to live a little, to enjoy the planet I call home.  When I was afraid of falling into the warm, shallow water he pushed me.  When I wasn't sure if I could go to Chicago on my own to study, he found a way to make it happen.

Maybe that's why he had to leave.  Things were just too easy with him, too fun, too wonderful.  I needed to toughen up, to fight back, to stand on my own.

I freaking hate it.