Empath

Apparently my recent post offended some people.

You know what? Deal with it.  Yes, Tristan and I had a conversation regarding how he hangs out with people who don't care because that makes him feel better knowing no one cares just like he doesn't care, and yes I said that must be why he likes hanging out with Alex so much, because she doesn't care about him enough to kick him in the ass when he does stupid stuff like get arrested for pot.  And you know what?  He agreed!  And now he swears that part of the conversation never happened, just like how half of his current life has never happened.

What I write here is my story, my life, and if some people don't like what I tell then maybe they should reconsider their role in it.  Tristan started hanging with Alex and I was fine with it, until it became very excessive.  Until he started meeting people through her that facilitated the wasting of his life and encouraged getting into trouble so far as to get arrested and thrown in jail for a night.  Has she once tried to be my friend, to include me in her life?  No.  Oh, wow, we played a game once at Tristan's old place with his other roommates.  But how am I supposed to be sympathetic to someone I don't know because they never gave the effort to know me?  And don't think I didn't try.  I tried, she politely declined, that was that.  Heck, I still tried just a few days ago.  Progress was made, I think.  I hope.

The whole time I have said over and over and over again something is just not right.  I've sought guidance because I am very well aware of the fact that I have been experiencing territorial jealousy because I was essentially replaced as...practically everything.  But even taking that out of the equation, something is not right!  I told Nicks, I told Tristan, and no one listened to me!  Now she knows all about us, our species, our existence, and even though she's a nice person who I like as a person, nothing has rid the horrible feeling that something very, very bad is going to happen.  It's going to happen through her.  I told her to be careful because something bad is going to happen, and I want to think she listened.  Someone has got to listen before it's too late!

Where the hell are you, Jake?  Tristan cares more about Alex being offended about my last post than about how I've felt for months! (He even confirmed it.) You were always the only one who listened to me, who believed me, who took what I saw and felt seriously, and remember what happened?  No one believes me anymore.  Tristan doesn't think I did anything at all those years he was gone, those years you and I spent going through hell and back.  I wouldn't have known who or what I was without you.  We learned how to read my instincts, how to work with my visions; you taught me how to listen to the voice I always ignored that warned us of danger.

That voice is screaming at me.  I'm seeing the same vision over and over again, I feel that horrible sickness that always came before an attack, before getting your calls that you were dying (on a more humorous side note, how many times did that happen? 20?)  This isn't right.  None of this is right.  I can't see the shadows moving but I feel them this time.  Last time I said the shadows were moving and no one believed me, the security alarms went off 30 seconds later and we had to throw out our food because it was poisoned.

I offended Alex with what I wrote, and in some small way I am sorry that she took offense.  Will anyone listen to me now?  I challenge everyone to prove they care about Tristan.  Prove themselves as friends.  Yeah he drives me up the wall with his hypocritical carelessness and yes, I can accurately say he treats me like shit half the time.  But guess what?  He kicks me in the ass when I do something stupid, and I kick him back when he's an idiot, because that's what friends do.  If you can sit there and not say anything to someone you consider a friend who is skateboarding off a cliff on purpose, then how much of a friend are you truly?

Once upon a time I was sensitive to how people felt.  I watched what I said, how I said it, I made sure that everyone knew I was a nice person who you could talk to and trust, someone who wouldn't lord over you with status or whatever.  Then I met this girl who started vying for Tristan (who, at the time, was portrayed by Jake).  At first I didn't care, I ignored it.  Then when he and I started dating, she started crossing major lines, stomping all over me and pitting my closest friends and mentors against me (fortunately they knew me well enough to let me share my story, which they believed).  She even tried getting my mother to prod me in her favor for a stupid part in a play I wrote!  Something inside me just....clicked into place.  No more doormat, no more Ms. Smiles, and definitely no more pacifist.  I established clear boundaries and reinforced them.

To this day she tries to spread rumors about me, like when Tristan and I moved across the country, apparently I was pregnant because I'd gained so much weight.  Everyone forgot, conveniently, that I had just recovered from a very severe virus that weakened me so much I gained 60 pounds in under a year.  I reminded her of that, which got an, "Oh, yeah, that's right.  I forgot."  I haven't talked to her since.  Tried being friends, tried sticking it through, but you can only be stabbed so much in the back before yanking the knife away and keeping it as defense.

I like Alex, a lot.  Totally disregarded the fact that she met Tristan through the aforementioned girl, as we all share a common disdain for the drama.  I've NEVER been comfortable or approving of the excessive time Tristan spends with Alex, and mainly for his safety.  Nicks disregarded my warning and made me tell her all our little secrets because "she will be useful".  I agree; it's to who that troubles me.

And yes, I will openly admit, I FREAKING LOATHE being replaced as the one Tristan Keller confided in.  I mean, he's freaking out because she's offended?  Has anyone ever once considered the absolute pain I have to endure every fricking day?!  Okay, take Tristan out of the picture, send me away to a remote corner of the planet with two oceans and a disagreement between us...NOTHING CHANGES ANYTHING.  Jake is still gone.  My worth to the people I never knew I shared blood with continues to decline, and do they even know about me?  My whole life I've spent wishing I belonged somewhere, and I finally had the one friend I've always wanted, who made me feel like I mattered.  Jake protected me because I was worth something to him, to the Organization, to the world.  He cared if I was hurt, from paper cuts to falling tears.  And he wanted me to be happy.... I know he meant the best.  He always wanted the best for me.  I just wish he could know how horribly things turned out to be, how much I need him home.  Jake, if you're reading this, I'm begging you to come home!  At least let me know you still remember me, please.

This whole life is so terribly messed up.  I finally find a people I belong to and their prince, my friend and roommate, doesn't care.  Forget the prince part, my friend doesn't care how I feel.  Plain and simple.  He could be a dog poop-scooper from Nowhereville USA, he still doesn't care about how I feel.  Not anymore at least.  I do remember a time when he cared very much, or at least tried to.  I am grateful for that.

I am sorry someone took offense.  I am never sorry for what I write.  No one should have to apologize for telling their own story, and I thought Tristan would be the first to understand that.

I guess not.