Half-apology

Tristan is STILL pissed at me.

He read the blog.  He didn't say a single thing before Alex read it.  He is only angry because his friend is offended.  I'm sorry?  What am I supposed to do?  And if I did things the way he does (which I pretty much did in the last entry), I'd continue to say tough, deal with it.  But when I throw his own attitude back at him he only gets more pissed because, as he put it, "It's only okay when I do it."  Bull.

Did anyone consider that maybe I'm not writing this for him, or for anyone we know?  No, I wasn't too happy to find out people we actually know (aside from my mother) read this blog.  It's not just that they read it, it's that they know who is writing it.  There's a reason why you don't see a photo of me, or why it's a pen name instead of my real one.  ANONYMITY.  So I do get upset when someone both Tristan and I know, doesn't matter who, reads this and gets offended by this.  As if the world will actually know who you are by this single blog.  I use fake names for a reason.

And another thing, a good psychologist would be able to figure out from at least one entry that I'm bitter, that this is not normal, that MAYBE I need someone to actually freaking listen to me.  The other day when we were in the car with Alex I started to think that maybe I could trust her, maybe this WOULD be a good thing, maybe she could help both of us.  Now there's this Great Wall between Tristan and I, and while I honestly don't want to blame Alex, there is that fact that had she not said anything to him, that wall wouldn't be there.

I get encouraged by friends and family, and even Tristan, to find a companion who will love me and who I can have that dream life with.  It could happen.  If I kept 90% of who I am a total secret for the rest of my life.  I mean, it's not just the relationship, it's the genetics that worry me.  My children will have gifts no matter who I mate with, and how the heck am I supposed to explain that?  I don't want them to turn out like the last Goran we discovered, whose parents repressed everything so much he's snapped somewhere deep in his mind and is virtually useless beyond second-human functions.  Not his fault, I know, and I feel horrible for him because he is such a good person.  But when you tell someone born like us that it's all satanic, it is against God, and we live to serve God (at least I do, Tristan is iffy), it messes with our genetic makeup pretty bad.  My mother is still trying to reconcile 20+ years of hiding from the church who she is, and it's taking a toll on her.

No way am I saying I totally plan on mating with Tristan and breeding little 75% Gorans.  What I mean to say is, he is the only contact I have with any Gorans aside from my mom.  He's the only one alive and present who understands who and what I am.  Tristan is the only Goran who has any connections to the culture, the people, the language.... If this wall stays up.... I don't even know what.

This was supposed to be an attempt at an apology.  I'm honestly not feeling it, nor do I really want to apologize no matter how much I want Alex to feel better.  Why? Because I can apologize for something I really don't feel sorry for, and no one is going to apologize to me for any of this.  I'm not sorry I wrote what I wrote, I AM sorry I'd forgotten to mention it was a past discussion between Tristan and I in which he agreed with me on everything I said because we were arguing and he was being an ass.

Will anyone apologize for causing a rift between me and my closest friend?