Jake

Every now and then I'll meet someone who is in a similar unit, or is like us biologically.  The frustrating part is, I'm never able to tell either one about the other.  I'm always hiding.

My new friend Diego I met quite by accident, and I was skeptical when he said he was military and with a corps that is nearly identical to the Organization.  But, upon further research into his claims, I've found nothing but evidence to support it.  And he knew exactly who I was talking about when I merely hinted at the broader term for the Organization.

He's doing what he can to help me find Jake.  *sigh*  Jake, Jake, Jake.... No one believes he's dead.  Not even Tristan, who after a good year of consideration over the matter has decided that yes, the whole "he died of an illness the day you sent the letter and we cremated him and scattered his ashes over the place outside Tristan's home all within a 24-hour period" is a bunch of bullshit.  Even civilians who have heard the tale via random storytelling coughed "bullshit!" and stand by the theory that it's just a cover-up.  Nicks hasn't confirmed nor denied anything, but he did say it's quite possible, or he really is dead and we're just bad at keeping records.

With the strong internal feeling that he is alive, I feel like a horrible person, woman I should say, for playing merry-go-round with my love life.  Jake-Tristan-Jake-Tristan.  But I talked with my best friend, who knows about us, and she helped me clarify a few things.  She has what she calls a "bullshit-meter" which has been accurate since before I met her.

"Hon, I hate to say it, but when Tristan told me he had feelings for you, my bullshit-meter went off the charts," Lydia told me yesterday.

"Yeah, I believe it."  I sighed, knowing that a part of me will always love Tristan, just not in the same sense as I'd always thought.  "What about Jake?"

She smiled.  "Not once did the bullshit-meter go off.  The way he looked at you, acted around you.... He really did love you."  Lydia blushed a bit and laughed.  "I mean, I would flirt with him just to throw him off, I wanted to know how loyal he was, and when I'd hit on him he'd push me away and go, 'I'm your best friend's boyfriend!  What's wrong with you?!'  And I knew right then he was good for you."

I sighed and nodded, that horrible second-human ache in my chest growing more painful at the memories flashing in my mind.  "Do you think love is something that can be faked?  For the sake of hiding?"

Lydia furrowed her brow for a moment.  "Tristan tried, I mean, he faked it and you know, you could tell.  I could tell.  But Jake, he was pretending to be someone else but there's no way anyone could pretend the way he was around you.  You can't fake real love."

As she was leaving and I walked her to her car, a nagging question tugged at my mind and I leaned in the window.  "Lydia, can I ask you something?"

She smiled at me and patted her swollen pregnant belly.  "Sure, hon!"

"Do you think.....Did Jake mention the whole 'we're getting married' thing for the sake of being Tristan?  Or do you think-"

I didn't have to finish the question, for Lydia's head was shaking furiously.  "No," she firmly said with a knowing smile.  "You want my honest opinion?  Jake should never have left.  You were good for each other.  And no, he wanted to get married as himself and not as Tristan."

She drove away and I rubbed my head.  My life is effed up.  I'm a horrible person for being unable to control my own emotions, let alone determine someone else's.  Yes, Tristan and I will always have a special bond with each other because, let's face it, we're of the same species and we balance each other out in the face of adversity.  The horrible thing is, being around him, looking at him, my mind and body uses a stored recognition of Jake that I constantly have to fight.  I'm constantly looking for physical differences so I don't get subconsciously confused, and it still happens.  I see an angle, I catch a whiff of a familiar scent, and somehow my body suddenly registers everything as Jake.  Like, I forget that Tristan is more negative, difficult, unsympathetic, virtually unemotional....and I expect him to be outwardly compassionate, empathic, optimistic, affectionate.

Being away from Tristan helps my mind clear itself of the confusion and easily separates the two.  Yes, I am still very annoyed that he's been spending so much time with a certain young woman who has driven me up the wall with her greedy drama for 5+ years, but only because I didn't struggle all those years against her to establish that Jake/Tristan was "my territory" (she has no concept of boundaries) only to have Tristan hand it all to her on a silver platter.  But whatever.  Props to him for being her friend.

Lydia told me she can't believe that anyone who loved me as much as Jake did could be in the area and truly resist contacting me.  I hesitate to claim Jake loved me because, sorry, I clearly remember the last year of him being here and it was mostly "I love Tristan's ex" which, as I predicted, resulted in disaster.  But, as Tristan pointed out, there were three "Tristans" and Jake was just one of them.  Any of the other two could have been the one who wanted to be with said ex, as we know one definitely had a thing for a classmate.

And there's the matter of my dreams/visions.  I had soooooo many before, during and after of Jake (we now know it was Jake I saw instead of Tristan due to the specific features that were his only, and his personality, voice, etc are all purely Jake and not Tristan) leaving for two years and returning to me.  In all of them I was either taking care of our baby (dream-baby, not real!) or had just given birth, and Jake told me with a choked-up voice that he has to leave for a while, but he will be back.  And after two years he would return, saving us from an attack on our home or me by dark shadows and men in black.  Then he would hold me and our baby close and swear he'd never ever leave again.

This fall is the two-year mark of his departure.