Restless

I haven't written in a while because....well, because I'm not sure what to say.

My niece is increasingly beautiful, to the point where total strangers stop and exclaim to my sister how breathtakingly beautiful her daughter is.  At only one month of age, the little one is intelligent, emotional, and glows with the newness of our kind.  I just haven't found the heart, or opportunity, to talk with my sister about our bloodline.  Some part of me wonders if its best for her to think we're all 100% normal, but when we talk and she shares with me her experiences as a mother, I hear familiar clues that she experiences the innate abilities our family shares.  The main one is a love for God, a pure, deeply rooted love for Him and His world.  For years my sister rebelled against the idea of church and religion, but now that she is in what she calls a "hell-hole" and stuck between a rock and a hard place, her instincts take over and they, to our surprise and utter relief, are completely Christian.  Why does this matter?  Because with a close relationship with Christ comes an increased "power", and with that a considerably greater amount of self-control.  Yes, I could very much throw a man across a room with the flick of a hand, but it's my relationship with God that prevents me from trying.  So to hear my young sister describe her defense tactics against the world by using Scripture, and that she sings hymns to her baby because they're the only slow songs she knows, well.....I breathe easier.

I definitely don't sleep easier.  Today marks the completion of two full weeks on my own.  Two full, long weeks of nothing but work and mere existence.  14 nights of staying up until 3am because nothing can make me fall asleep.  I toss and turn on my air mattress, and not because it's uncomfortable.

What's uncomfortable is the reason why I can't sleep.  I battle the thoughts in my mind with every ounce of self-defense and preservation I have, and the response I get is, "who do you think you're kidding?"  I'm tempted to use up the last of my current money to stock up on a fair amount of alcohol to take the edge off the insomnia and maybe, if I have to drink myself into oblivion just for a decent night's sleep....  This is ridiculous.  I have a gym, I have a tanning bed, and a pool, and a hot tub, my own room, free internet, free cable, all of which I utilize on a regular basis.  And yet I look in the mirror and see dark circles under my eyes, each day making them that much darker and bigger.  No amount of makeup can cover them.  Every day I look in the mirror and see a bedraggled woman aging considerably fast for only two weeks of total independence.

I'm going to try to sleep now.  I've worn myself out enough that it just might be possible, and yes, it is nearly 3am.  I will rise at 9am with or without an alarm, a habit that developed when Tristan and I were living together.  When....well, to be perfectly honest, when I could fall asleep at 10pm within 5 minutes of laying down.